Corrections Policy
by Seitei
Summary: Everyone has their faults, and the Smashers are no different. Read as they try to correct their bad habits in ways deemed impossible, awesome, or stupid. Chapter 10: A certain mercenary learns etiquette the hard way.
1. My, Mother!

**Yep, this is another story (or stories, depending on how you want to look at it) that I'm doing alongside Smashing Final Destination. I was planning to write this after SFD, but I got impatient. Sue me. No, not really.**

**Only the plot(s) belongs to me.**

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**It was a peaceful early morning at the mansion. Light streamed through the windows, illuminating every floor above ground. This particular day was also a time of change for one certain brawler…

He yawned and jumped out of bed. Hastily changing out of his pajamas, he wore his famed cap and overalls. Yes, this was Mario, hero of the Mushroom Kingdom, ready to start another day of fighting with denizens from other worlds. He groaned at the thought of having a match straight after breakfast. And yet, he knew that winning this year's tournament would give him a trophy, such as the last two that he won.

He walked down to the dining hall. The chefs obviously woke up very early; a wide range of food stretched from one end of the 20-foot table to the other. Hot food, cold food; it was all there.

No one else was there. Taking advantage of Kirby's absence, he stuffed down his favourite mushroom salad. Now he won't be famished for the match. He then walked out into the entrance hall.

And there she was.

A stunning beauty in a flowery-pink dress walked down the stairs and seemed to glide towards Mario. "Mario? Why are you up so early?"

"I had-a to go to eat-a my breakfast," he replied, meekly. Before him was the ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom, Princess Peach. Her smile was radiant and could brighten any person's day up. "Anyways, I think-a I'll have to practice before my big-a match."

"Ok..." Peach said sadly. Mario turned back to her.

"What's-a the matter, princess?" he asked worriedly.

"Well, it's been a few years since we knew each other, and I have to tell you this..."

Mario gulped. Was she going to blurt out her feelings of deep affection for him?

"I..."

This was it. She started to blush deeply.

"think..."

Oh, how she will praise all of his supernatural qualities! Mario sighed and his heart swelled three times the legal size.

"...your Italian accent is annoying."

Yes! He had charmed her with his annoying Italian accent! _Victory is mine!_ he thought.

Then somewhere in the distance, a record scratched.

"Wait-a, what?" His heart's exhilaration quickly turned into shock and disbelief.

"I'm sorry, but I just can't handle it anymore. Even Bowser has a sexier voice than you," she sighed.

The plumber's pupils shrunk in horror. Bowser? That fugly green spiked turtle that stole her every single time he tried to talk to her (in other words, make a pass)?

"Oh! You have a match to go to, right? Don't mind what I just said; it was tactless."

But he couldn't get it out of his head. The phrase "your Italian accent's annoying" resounded through his brain.

"Will the combatants please report to the stadium immediately," a booming voice reverberated throughout the mansion. In a zombie-like trance, the plumber dragged himself towards the stage.

It was a one-on-one match, with his opponent being Zelda. As they were transported to the stage commonly known as Luigi's Mansion, Mario tried to quickly regain his focus. Try as he might, the Hylian princess kept him in a hold with her magic, until he was sent flying off the stage.

As all the spectators were leaving, she walked up to Mario and asked, "What's wrong? You could usually dodge Din's Fire easily."

Mario responded in monotone. "Nothing is-a wrong. If you'll-a excuse me, I've gotta go." He dragged his limp feet, urging them to move forwards.

---

"Something's not right with Mario," Zelda reported. "Do you think you can help him?"

_I could, though why should I read his mind?_

She was in Mewtwo's room, full of gloom and mystery. Strange runes adorned the dark-purple draped walls and there was a strange smell of incense permeating through the room.

"Because he's troubled? Can't you be a good Samaritan for once?"

_I see no benefit it serves to me or that plumber._

"Do it for me. Please?"

_No._

Zelda sighed and opened the door, preparing to leave. "Well, I guess that I can't force you if you really don't want to. It really is a shame that I can be hard to trust secrets with at times…"

Mewtwo's eyes narrowed. _How did you know about it?_ Zelda smirked; she could hear the nervousness in his telepathic voice.

"I have my ways. But if you really don't want to help, I can always go bother Ness or Lucas."

_Wait. Fine, I surrender. I'll go and see what's wrong with him._

"I knew I could trust you. Tell me as soon as you can," she replied as she closed the door behind her, leaving Mewtwo planning the best opportunity to erase her memories.

***

Two days had gone by and Zelda met Mewtwo in his abode. "Well?" she hissed.

_It seems that Princess Peach has upset him._

"How?"

_Apparently, she told him that his Italian accent leaves much to be desired._

"Thanks, Mewtwo." Zelda left and stopped halfway in the hallway. _Well, I know his problem now. The question is how do I fix it?_ She knew that the only way to remedy this was for Mario to get rid of his inflection. But that, she reasoned, would mean someone would have to re-teach him the English language sans accent. If that were the case, he had to have someone that spoke clearly like any other person would.

But now the question was, who could it be? Who could teach Mario to sound like a native speaker of the language? That's when it her.

---

"You want me to do what?"

"It's for Mario's sake, and I can't think of anyone else to help him."

"Fine, but on one condition."

"…do I even want to know what it is?"

"Well, it's like this…"

---

Zelda walked out infuriated. How dare he ask her _that._ _This is the last time I ever make any deals with him_, she thought.

That evening, as the sky was stained a misty red, everyone was just finishing up dinner. As they all got up to leave, Zelda dragged Mario to an alcove.

"Princess-a Zelda!" Mario exclaimed. "Whatever do you want-a with me?"

"Well, I just found a solution to your problem! You should be grateful!"

"Wait-a, how do you know what my problem is-a? Did you ask-a someone to read-a my mind?" Mario questioned, eyes narrowed.

"Well, yes," Zelda admitted.

"I never said-a I wanted any help. However, I'll-a take it!"

"Good. At 11, Go to…"

---

Mario had taken night trips before, but all before this had been to get him back to sleep. Now, he had a mission: to enchant Princess Peach with the downfall of his accent. However, he never thought that he would learn from this man, of all people.

"I was waiting for you." A mercenary in an espionage suit stood, glaring at Mario. He went by the code name of Snake. "Well, Zelda asked me to train you in the art of speaking properly." Mario nodded. "Well now, I want you to repeat after me. Say cat."

"Cat-a."

"OK. Now try doing it without the "-a."

"Cât."

"So good so far. Now, try doing it without raising and dropping your pitch at the 'a.'"

And so the training began. In the cover of the night, the sessions took most of the deathly silence with Mario's steadily improving speech. However, Mario decided not to say a word, so that when the time came, he could surprise Peach with the new improved sans Italian accent Mario, meaning that the only other person that knew of his progress was his teacher.

This didn't mean that he had a few problems communicating with the others. Giving certain answers were easy enough with a headshake to Samus' proposal to a match, a look of disgust at Captain Falcon's idea of sneaking into Samus' lingerie, and crossed arms to Sonic's plans; he never liked that annoying hedgehog in the first place, anyways.

Others were a bit harder, such as that one time when he was in a match with Luigi as his team partner; he had to communicate non-verbally their strategies. Everyone wondered what happened to Mario, and tried to get him to speak. And tried they did: making passwords up whenever he tried miming for something, goading him to be a mediator for planned arguments, and the ultimatum: getting him to make a speech that was hastily averted.

Then, one night, up in Snake's room, the mercenary nodded his approval. "I think you're ready. You better go down and get some shut-eye. Don't worry," he added. "With my teachings, you'll make any girl fall to your knees in seconds."

***

The next day was just like any other day. The birds chirped, the wind whistled, you name it. And yet, it was one of the most extraordinary days ever. Breakfast was the usual affair, though the persuasion for our red-hatted plumber was greater than ever. As he finished off his last pancake, Mario stood up, attracting everyone's gaze.

"So the mute decides to speak, eh?" Sonic jeered. Mario narrowed his eyes and let his vocal cords do their work.

What happened next shocked everyone.

With Mario's accent problem fixed, he modeled his new one around Snake. It was a hundred times more wonderful and horrible at the same time. Orange juice trickled down Marth's neck, R.O.B. was forced to recalibrate his data, Bowser's jaw unhinged, and Luigi fainted straight away.

"Yeah, I do, you drug-driven hedgehog," he retorted. Sonic was left speechless. Everyone burst into nervous babble before driven back to hush as Mario moved towards Peach. She gulped as he drew ever nearer. What was this feeling deep within her bosom? Her heart was beating ten times as fast and her vision flickered.

"So how do you like the new me?" Mario asked in a tone that would cause girls to shudder in orgasmic euphoria. Peach was no different, as she melted and collapsed onto the floor.

Mario smiled. Things were going to be different from now on.

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**Well, you've now gotten a tasting on what happens in these series of related one-shots! Note that since I'm still doing Smashing Final Destination as well, updates will be sloooooow.**

**Anyways, review!**


	2. Kicking the Rooster

**Second chapter is now up, no?**

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**After the "Mario changed his accent" incident, a few of the fighters became a little uneasy. The girls' reason was quite obvious: They couldn't go near him without succumbing to euphoria no other woman has experienced before. Of course, this also meant Mario made a few enemies. Snake regretted his decision to teach Mario after Samus started blushing around him; Captain Falcon was just rearing for a Falcon Punch every time he saw Mario.

And Link?

He envied the Italian plumber. After witnessing Mario's sexy new voice, he longed for his own, one that had been lost throughout the ages thanks to Zelda.

See, it all happened when Link was very young.

_"Zelda, Zelda, look what I found!" a young Link shouted towards a princess._

"_But Link, that's—" her eyes screwed up in horror as Link's object grew ever closer._

"_Cock-a-doodle-doo!"_

_The Cucco that Link had in his arms flew out and landed on Zelda's face, scratching it to shreds and as a final humiliation, left a brown present on her face before flying away. Link did nothing but whisper an "Oh shit" before scampering away, not taking any notice of the princess glaring at him, and her whisper of "You'll pay for this, fairy boy."_

_The next day…_

"_So, uh, Zelda, what did you call me out for?" Link stammered. Zelda had recovered from the attack, though her attitude towards Link remained unchanged._

"_Well Link, I just wanted to give you something," she grinned evilly. No one was around; she specifically told them that they could have the day off. No one would witness or hear about her revenge on a youth clad in green._

_She sacked him. Hard._

_His shrill voice carried to the far reaches of Hyrule Field, where even in the Gerudo Desert, a Ganondorf before his King of Evil regime shuddered and involuntarily cupped his groin with his hands._

"_Someone got sacked… I just know it."_

"_Hiyah!" young Link yelled before cupping his mouth in shock._

"_How'd you like that?" Zelda sneered. "And as a finishing touch…" she waved her hands in the air, as a rune appeared from underneath Link's feet. A blinding flash filled the garden which they were in._

"_Uwah?"_

"_What was that? Well, that was an indicator as to when you'll recover and get your voice back. When it glows like that—" the symbol appeared underneath his feet again—"I'll receive the message telepathically and…" she sacked in the balls again, causing him to yell in extreme pain… again._

"_Oh, and it allows me to instantly teleport to where you are, so don't think about escaping."_

_And she was right._

_The most memorable time was probably when Zelda was imprisoned by Ganondorf in that rosy crystal in The Ocarina of Time™. As Ganondorf was down from the count thanks to Link's trusty Light Arrows™, the rune appeared again underneath his feet. Zelda teleported out of her crystal and swiftly kicked him again._

_Link leapt around, howling in pain. The annoying fairy known as Navi™ fluttered out from underneath his hat shouting "Listen!" Link, with the last of his strength, carved words onto a piece of stone wall with his Master Sword._

_If you could get out of the crystal in the first place  
Why didn't you sack him?_

_There was a moment's silence. Zelda turned towards the dark king quizzically. Ganondorf, realizing what was coming next, crawled backwards, whimpering, "No, no, anything but that…"_

_And Ganondorf wore a cup afterwards for the rest of his life._

Link had to confide in someone. But who? And how would he relay the message if he couldn't even speak?

Sighing in defeat, he grabbed a magazine off a table and began to read. There wasn't anything interesting in it: cheap prices with Cheep Cheep's Estate, Toad breaking up with Toadette, an ad for a Waddle Dee exercise video, Fatina's ice caps now accommodating towards polar bear [anthros]…

And that's when he saw it.

And ad, located on the third-to-last page, in the lower-right corner, was a one-day course in basic Nintendo Sign Language. His eyes lit up with joy until he read the following: "_As much as we would like to teach anyone and everyone, we cannot teach plumbers, princesses, bounty hunters, mercenaries, puffballs, princes, young boys with psychic powers, monkeys, angels, hedgehogs, foxes, wolves, birds, little children from the north, Pokémon, fire-breathing turtles, robots, flat 2D characters, shrimpy people with a fetish for plant-creatures, men that plot to take over the world, and fairy boys, YES, FAIRY BOYS, due to the fact that if you were seen learning sign language from us, people would laugh their asses off whenever you try signing, "I would like you to be my man-marry."_

Link ripped the magazine to shreds. He was about to return to his room when—

"I wanted to read that." Turning around, Link saw a humanoid jackal-like Pokémon glowering at him.

'Oh, it's the loner again,' Link thought.

'And a loner I may be, but fairy boys shouldn't say much, should they?' a voice, both familiar and unfamiliar, resounded in his head. Link blanched; he forgot that Lucario could read minds, though to a lesser extent than Ness, Lucas, or Mewtwo.

'I'll let that one slide,' Lucario continued. 'You seem to be troubled.'

That's when it hit Link; he could tell Lucario! So after retelling his story to the Pokémon, Lucario nodded. 'I see,' the jackal mused. "I'll see what I can do," he said, reverting back to physical speech.

A few hours later, Lucario returned with everyone's lovable mercenary, Ike. Link raised an eyebrow.

"He's had experience with this type of stuff before," Lucario pointed out.

"Well," Ike spoke up. "I can see there are two possibilities. One, your balls are too soft. Two, she's a great kicker." Link slowly unsheathed his sword; what point was there in telling him the obvious?

"Let me finish!" Ike said hastily. "There are two methods that I know that can prevent this from ever happening again!" Link Paused. "The first one's painful, but the result's guaranteed."

"And what would that be?" Lucario asked on behalf of Link.

"Dipping your balls in molten titanium," Ike stated bluntly. "That way, when it cools, nothing will be able to harm them."

"I think his balls would melt before that happened."

"Really? It worked for me," Ike shrugged. Link and Lucario exchanged curious glances. "The other way is to wear a cup for the rest of your life." Link didn't know what to say towards this predicament as the Crimean mercenary took out a mythril piece of armour. Should he wear a cup for the rest of his life? Or, an even better question was, _could he_?

"Well, if you can't wear it forever, just use it when she tries giving you the ol' roundhouse."

"The problem is that he doesn't know when the next time will be," Lucario replied.

"Oh, well then take it and when you see her coming, strap it on quickly!"

And with that, Ike left, leaving Link with the mythril bowl of protection. Lucario telepathically sent a monotone 'good luck' before returning to his room to meditate. As for Link, he just stared at the piece of equipment in his hand.

That evening, dinner was the usual affair. The Hero of Time sat across from the princess of Hyrule, hoping that she would not act knowing that he had an object bestowed by the gods to men with violent relationships. He studied her very carefully: she didn't seem to suspect anything. She just carried on sipping her soup with an embroidered spoon. Not a glance towards Link, who sighed in relief.

"Link? Is something the matter?" Zelda peered over at Link.

Link shook his head frantically and hastily swallowed globs of soup down his throat. Zelda raised an eyebrow towards the harassed fair… I mean uh, hero.

As Link made it back to his room, he looked out the window. The sun was setting beyond the mountains as an indigo blanket came in from the east. He examined Ike's present from every angle, and just as he was putting it into his drawer…

A strange light filled his room. Looking down in horror, he saw the rune, again, underneath his feet, mocking him. He hastily grabbed for the cup.

Suddenly, particles of light gathered and condensed into a humanoid figure before scattering, revealing Zelda with a smug look on her face. "So," she said. "The time's come again, hmm?" Link gulped nervously. She advanced slowly towards him.

Then with the strength that's usually reserved for Ganondorf, she put all the force she could muster into her right leg and whipped it at Link's sweet spot.

There was a crack.

A scream of pain punctured the air. Zelda was down on the ground. "W-w-what on earth did you do?!" she cried. Something clicked in Link's throat. Slowly, he tried testing his basic phonetics. They formed perfectly in his mouth. It had worked!

Turning towards Zelda, he bellowed, "This has gone on for too long! "Why can't you let go of the past?!" Zelda looked at Link in shock. It wasn't after five seconds that Link realized why she looked at him in astonishment.

Thanks to the magic of puberty, his voice had deepened and sounded much more pleasing, though it was just plain annoying when he was making those war cries and squawks. Now, Zelda was speechless, and could only mouth a "wow."

***

The next day, Link astounded the rest of the fighters with his newly regained voice. Some were happy for him, like Kirby (who just kept saying "poyo poyo!"), some that groaned (particularly Captain Falcon), and some that just didn't care (Mewtwo just kept on eating his apple).

As breakfast was finished, Link rose first and everyone drew their breath.

"Before I go, I'm bursting all your secrets that you've confided in me."

"No!"

"Why?"

"I'll tell you why," Link answered angrily. "Don't think I don't know what you call me behind your back." And then Link started revealing everyone's secrets with the power of fifteen bitchy women.

No one came out from their rooms that day, not even when Master Hand announced the matches.


	3. Who's the Girl Now, Bitch?

**Well, here's chapter 3. Sorry 'bout the delay, guys.**

**Disclaimer: Be forewarned that there is intensive swearing in it. VERY INTENSIVE SWEARING. Very minor adult themes also take this chapter like rabid fangirls, so watch your eyes!**

With the addition of one more sexy voice in the house, the girls fawned on both Mario and Link. Of course, a few people cared (in other words, Snake and Falcon) but everyone else just accepted the fact and life went on as usual.

Well, almost everyone.

Up on the seventh floor, in the western corridor, sixth door to the end, someone was in a complete state of denial.

"No! I won't have this!" whined a blue-haired swordsman. Marth Lowell, prince of Altea, was highly dignified and was not pleased with this new addition to the mansion. As one of the swordsmen, Falchion, his slim yet sturdy blade, was a prized possession of his. There was something more, however, that was more precious.

His "dignity."

Being pampered in his castle, he could not tolerate the slightest speck of muck in the room without bitching about it. He was also highly competitive; now that Link had his voice, there would be less attention on him with his grace and style, especially after everyone found out that he snuck into Peach's room every other week for her hair tonic.

He walked out into the corridor. No one was there. He walked down the stairs, only to run into everyone's favourite swordsman, Ike.

"Oh, it's Marth," Ike said, a little perturbed.

"What do you want, Ike?" Marth questioned as he swished his hair.

"How should I put this? Oh, that's right. I've had enough. You're too girly."

The pause seemed to stretch on towards infinity. The words clicked in Marth's mind and he puffed up. "I am not girly!"

"You definitely sound the part."

"I'll show you who's a girl!" Marth whipped out Falchion and did a rising slash before a clang was heard.

"W-w-why are your—"

"See chapter 2 for more details." Ike got a mental sacking for breaking the fourth wall. "You can't deny it, and no one else can." He walked away with a slight limp.

At lunch, he immediately bombarded everyone with the question, "Do you think I'm like a girl?" He received a unanimous, emphatic "YES."

"Look, I'll show you why," Snake said as he led Marth back up to the latter's room.

"How are you going to show me how I'm 'girly?'"

"Observe." He threw Marth into the wall, who crumpled into a heap.

"Oh my god! I think I broke a nail!"

"There's the first reason." Snake then drew up a mirror in front of the prince. "Here's the other one. You have the physique of a girl. In fact, if you didn't tell us you were a man, I'd have still thought you were a flat-chested girl. And the tiara has got to go."

"I do not have the body of a girl!"

"I'm not joking; Zelda's probably more man-like than you are. But no need to go all hasty!" he said hurriedly, as Marth had his hand on his sword by now. "You can still change. I can help for most of it, but then you'll need some of Ike's help as well."

"Ike? Why?"

"For intensive training purposes."

"I don't know what to say but—why are you helping me?"

"I've got a very good reason. I'm not going to be annoyed by your girly attitude anymore, that's for sure. Ah, ah!" Snake put his hand out, signaling Marth to put the sword away. "First lesson: men are stoic and will not show their emotions except in dire need, and no, this is not a dire need."

Marth grumpily sheathed his sword. "Ok, then," he said. "What's next?"

"Allow me to show you some of the more manlier things to do. And no, they're not the 'manly' things that Captain Falcon does."

***

Snake stopped Marth from going out to watch the match between Mr. Game &Watch and Olimar.

"What now?"

"Second thing you must learn is to act cool."

"And how would I do that?" Marth asked, swishing his hair.

"Well, you have to stop doing that."

"Fine," Marth growled.

"Ok, take this." Snake handed Marth a box of Malboro-brand cigarettes.

"Uh, what do I do with these?"

"You smoke them."

"…how do I smoke them?"

"Simple." Snake then took out a lighter and lit the cigarette. "Put it in your mouth and suck in." Marth did so and promptly started hacking away like no tomorrow.

"That was the most terrible thing I've ever experienced!" Marth wheezed.

"I know what you mean," Snake nodded. "Don't worry; it's an acquired taste. Practice makes perfect, eh?"

As the match ended, the people who came back in first started complaining.

"What's that terrible stench?"

"Smoke, smoke!"

Marth gulped and hastily threw the still-lit cigarette into the trashcan.

"Marth? Are you ok? You look a little… green," said Link, busy staring at Marth.

"I'm perfectly fine!"

"If you insist…" And Link left, giving Marth a curious stare every few steps or so.

"Well, that wasn't too bad, was it?" Snake asked.

"Bad? You can shove bad up your--"

"The trashcan's on fire!" Nana shouted. Turning around, Marth saw the trashcan spew fire out like a newborn baby does with barf. The Ice Climbers hastily put it out with their blizzard breath.

"Anyways," Snake continued, ignoring what just happened. "The next thing to do is to learn how to talk like a man."

"But I already--"

"You've gotta be rough and crude when you're speaking."

"And how do I do that?"

"Lose your haughtiness and swear."

"Are you asking me to curse?"

"No shit." Marth gasped, horrified at what the espionage agent had just said.

"Y-you just--"

"You wanna be a man?"

"I--"

"Say 'shit.'"

"No!"

Snake grinned. "I knew it! You're a fucking pansy!"

"I'm a-- I'll show you!" And so Marth began reciting every expletive that Snake threw at him.

"So are you ready to move on to the next lesson?"

"Fuck yeah!"

Snake beckoned for Marth to take him up to his room. The pale blue walls clashed violently with the luminous pink cosmetics on the counter.

"First off, these need to go." Snake collected the bottles and powders and threw them out the window.

"Wha--"

"Real men don't need that shit." Snake was enjoying this; his frustration against Mario and Link still hadn't died off yet. "We also only bathe every other week."

"Every other week?!" Marth gasped. "That is disgusting! I know for a fact that Wario doesn't bathe for more than 2 weeks!"

"That's Wario, ok? Fat, lardy, he's a man, yes, just a terribly slobby man that disgusts even me."

"Ok, so no bathing for a week. Swear like no fucking tomorrow, and smoke. Is that all?"

"You have to look the part, too. Get rid of your tiara."

"It's not a tiara! It's the royal circlet of Altea, an heirloom passed down from generation to generation—"

"Yeah, yeah, spare me the sob story," groaned Snake. "It's got to go."

"Fine." Marth tossed his tia—I mean circlet into a box in the corner.

"K. Now ruffle your hair. It's too straight and nice."

"That's it!" Marth exclaimed. "I can live with swearing, I can live with smoking, heck, I can even live without bathing for a week! But nothing, absolutely nothing, will make me change my hair."

"Fucking pussy."

Marth said nothing and turned towards the mirror. After ten seconds, he started preening his hair, making it untidy and unkempt.

"Good," Snake nodded. "That's all I can do for you. Go find Ike whenever you feel ready."

Late that night, Marth sneaked out of his room and knocked on the door of the Crimean mercenary. A scowling Ike opened the door, clearly not happy at being waken up at 2 in the morning.

"Whaddya want? I don't have your stinking hair perfume, so get lost." Marth lost it right there, and plowed Ike into the wall.

"Look here, you blunt son of a bitch," Marth growled. Ike was a little flabbergasted at his new demeanour. "I don't care if you call me a girl anymore, I don't care if you ask if I have a dick or not, but you're going to help me right now, with whatever Snake is planning."

"With whatever… ah." Ike put his fist onto his other hand. "It's nothing really; just a bit of intensive training."

"What kind of intensive training?"

"You know, in swordsmanship."

"But I'm already a good swordsman," Marth argued.

"Pfft, you wish," Ike snickered. He could see the vein in Marth's head bulge; was it about to burst soon?

"Fine. I'll show you, then."

"Heh, you won't even last the first hour."

And so they set off to the training grounds.

***

The next morning (interesting how it's always the day right after), everyone went down to breakfast. They all groggily went down to the dining room, not even noticing that their drool was now a new condiment on their pancakes.

Captain Falcon seemed to be the only one who didn't seem to be sleepy. He wolfed down waffle after waffle and nearly choked when he saw who came down the stairs. Everyone shot out of their reverie

Marth was, well, not the same Marth they first met. In fact, he looked a lot more… manlier. His tiara was missing and his hair was ruffled. In fact, he resembled Ike uncannily. All the women took particular notice to Marth's new physique and sighed. Of course, that was before they caught the rancid smell of dirt from him and they recoiled in disgust.

"What the fuck do you people want?" he asked sternly. Fox's toast slid from his mouth onto his lap. Everyone shot each other a quick glance; none of them had ever heard Marth swear before. Marth then sat down and started eating his waffles without grace.

"Oh, and I'm going to murder every single one of you pussies that called me a girl," he mumbled as he stuffed an enormously huge piece of pancake in his mouth. Everyone froze in horror. Snake silently said to himself, "What abomination have I created this time?"

**Well, there you go. I also do not condone smoking in any way, so don't get any ideas. I did that to make him more roughish. Hope you guys enjoyed that.**


	4. Good Girls Gone Bad

**Rawr. It's the fourth chapter already. Now who to correct next… **

**Ah, I know who! ||And I began to type the story featuring— **

**The door slammed open. A man in a gray flannel suit glared at me behind a set of dark shades. **

"**You must put a warning in here!" boomed the man. **

"**And why should I?" I asked. **

"**I'm a lawyer, and I will hold you responsible if any of my clients should rip their eyes out and die of dehydration after reading your chapter!" **

**I stared blankly at him. "Fine."|| **

**WARNING: There are suggestive themes, feminist remarks (and lots of HAWTNESS) in this chapter. Viewer discretion is advised.

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**Suppressing urges are what many sentient beings do, and Peach and Zelda are no different. However, with the addition of another "hot hunk," that willpower's slowly draining away. The two of them were in Peach's room, sipping away at tea.

"Oh, my, Zelda!" cried Peach. "This is a terrible dilemma! I know that as a princess we must be civil, but I can't seem to hold onto that façade any longer!"

"I know what you mean, Peach," said Zelda. "I mean, they're all getting very… attractive."

"I don't think attractive is the word to use anymore."

"I don't care anymore! I feel… warm."

"So do I. But nonetheless we must not give in. If we do, it would reflect poorly on our reputation as princesses."

"But what can we do?"

"We can do nothing but wait." Zelda got up and went to open the door. "The only thing we can hope for right now is that we don't run into—" She stared at the new prince of Altea, who was just passing by. She hurriedly slammed the door, clutching her bosom.

"I can't leave without seeing one of them just 'walk by,'" Peach sighed.

Just then, Master Hand's voice boomed, "Will Zelda and Pikachu please report at the stadium for their scheduled brawl?"

"Tell you what," Peach suggested. "How about walking down with our eyes shut?"

"Peach, I'm afraid that that idea does not work very well."

"Aww, just give it a go!"

"Fine, then." Zelda got up and opened the door. Closing her eyes, she walked down the hallway, and turned right when—

BAM! THUD! The Hylian princess lay in a crumpled heap at the bottom of the stairs.

"I knew it was a stupid suggestion."

She hobbled over to the stadium as the yellow rodent was already there. "Pika?"

"Don't say anything," she warned. Pikachu stared at her before giving her a curt nod.

The announcer shouted, "3, 2, 1, GO!"

And they were off.

Zelda started off with a Din's Fire, aiming the fireball at Pikachu. The mouse swiftly used Agility to dodge it and sent forth a jolt of electricity, sending Zelda out of her concentration and into a numb sensation around her midriff.

Pikachu sent out another jolt of electricity. Zelda was ready this time, though. Spinning around, she built a barrier of magic energy around her, reflecting the attack back at the rat. As Pikachu flinched, Zelda ran (or rather, limped) towards him and gave him a good slap.

It was on now. Pikachu got back up and dashed towards Zelda, ignoring all of the Din's Fire she was launching at him. When she was in range, Pikachu (unbeknownst to us all as a cultist until now) summoned a thunderbolt from the heavens, knocking Zelda off her feet, giving Pikachu a clear opening. She knew what was coming next as Pikachu started crouching with a constipated look. He launched towards her with a Skull Bash, knocking the wind out of her as she sailed off the field.

Zelda wasn't happy after the match. She went straight up to her room and locked the door shut. She was fuming when she heard a knock on the door. Opening it, she saw both Peach and the bounty hunter Samus—who by the way had a mischievous look upon her face. Peach looked a bit bemused.

"Samus, what do you want?" asked Zelda.

"Nothing at all, actually," replied Samus. "You don't look very happy, though. What's wrong?"

"I lost, ok? That's what happened."

"You're not this mad when you lose."

"Yes, I am."

"Right… what really happened?"

"Ask Peach, Samus."

"Well, if you're talking about that problem, there's an easy way to handle it."

Zelda raised her eyebrows. "You're joking."

Samus let out a grin. "Come to my room, guys." Peach and Zelda gave each other confused looks.

***

Samus' room was definitely not a girl's room. On one wall was a display of blaster modifications she could attach to her suit at any time. There was no sign of a girly-girl living here; in fact, it seemed more like a room that a weapon-crazed maniac (a.k.a. Samus) would live in.

"Ok, now what?" asked Zelda.

"Oh, you'll see." Samus dug into one of her drawers and pulled out a jellyfish-like lifeform suspended in a container.

"Is that a Metroid?" asked Peach.

"Yep." The bounty hunter put the jar onto the table in the corner, making a small click. The room rumbled as the walls flipped, the dirty floor replaced by clean, smooth tiles, and the weaponry stowed away. "I knew that no one would ever want to touch one, so there you go."

The room showed signs of femininity, but...

"What on earth is this stuff?" asked Zelda. As she asked, she picked up what appeared to be...

"Oh, you wear that," said Samus.

"But what's so special about that?" Peach piped in.

"You don't wear anything on top of it."

"What?!" Peach and Zelda exclaimed. "But t-t-these are undergarments!"

"Exactly," Samus nodded.

"But that's something a peasant courtesan would do!" Samus eyed them warily and cleared her throat. "Oh."

"Anyways, the purpose is to please men. Men just love women who wear barely anything."

"Captain Falcon goggles at you every time you're in your zero suit," pointed out Peach.

"Let me rephrase that, then," sighed Samus. "Men like particularly revealing clothing."

"And you would know this how?" asked Zelda suspiciously.

"When you're around Captain Falcon all the time, it'd be a wonder if you didn't know."

"Oh."

"Anyways, just do it." Both princesses obliged. They stood there stupidly in skimpy clothing.

"Now what?"

"Wearing the stuff's not enough. You need the attitude, too." They stared at her curiously.

"You know how I brush off every one of his passes?" Priding themselves in commoner slang, they nodded. "Men get turned on by refusal and they'll come after you more."

"So why do you do it?"

"I like the attention. Anyways, I'll help you out on that part. Well first off..."

***

The aroma coming from the turkey in the middle of the table filled everyone's nostrils. Hurriedly pushing each other, they took chunks out of the meat and deposited it on their plates. It was to no surprise that the turkey was gone in a few minutes, thanks to Kirby. Supper was unusually lacking tonight. No one decided to strike up a conversation or see how Meta Knight ate with his mask on.

"So where are the girls?" asked Link, busily gnawing at a drumstick. Ike was glaring at him in the background.

"Hey!" Nana shouted. "I'm a girl, you know!"

"Sorry," Link apologized. "I meant Samus, Zelda, and Peach." Nana was not pleased by this.

As if on cue, the lights flickered and dimmed.

"Hey, what's going on?"

"I can't see my food!"

"OW! I jabbed my tongue!"

A spotlight shone towards the doors and sleazy jazz began to play. The doors opened, and every man in the room was stunned by what they saw next.

The princess of Mushroom Kingdom was... different. Her face was paler (than usual, anyways), and she was wearing nothing but a black bra and panties. She gave off a smug look as she walked in and batted her eyelashes at Mario as he gulped.

The princess of Hyrule was also a totally different story. She let all of her hair down, and she, too, was wearing the bare essentials. She walked over to Link, who was sweating furiously and whose racing heart wouldn't keep still.

Captain Falcon and Snake were staring at the both of them, jaws agape. They looked at each other and silently mouthed, "JACKPOT!"

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**Well, there's the end of that. Sorry for the really, really, late update. I had to figure out how to make this hot enough without it actually being erotica.**

**So, thoughts?**


	5. When Teacher Becomes Student

**Sorry 'bout not updating for quite some while. Writer's block got a hold of me, but now I'm free! FREE, I tell you! MWAHAHAHA!**

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After Peach and Zelda's transformation, Samus began to regret her decision. With three busty women (well, two; Peach was... lacking in that department) running around, the men were, how should I put this, more excited than usual. The bounty hunter was finding that it got out of hand very soon. Every time she walked through a hallway, she saw one of the male gender taking a peek at her (more often than not Captain Falcon and Snake), but she just ignored it. She knew she somewhat brought it on herself to help the two princesses. But even so, she got very annoyed when she caught one of them (Wario) leering at her lecherously.

But all hell broke loose when Samus found Snake in the bathtub as she was taking her clothes off. After annihilating the shower, as well as the sink, everyone had to use the other, less-than-desirable bathroom in the basement, but it wasn't like anyone really cared. That's when Samus decided that enough was enough.

"I need to talk to you guys." Peach and Zelda raised their eyebrows. "You know how I taught you guys to relieve your... stress?" Both of them nodded. "Well, is it okay if you two toned it down a bit?"

"Whatever for?" asked Peach. "I mean, I don't really see a problem with it."

"Let's just say I'm getting harassed much more than I want to."

"Well, we definitely don't have a problem with it, so unless you can convince us otherwise..." Zelda drifted off. "C'mon Peach, let's just go." Samus sighed as the two walked away. There went her chance of persuading the two from helping her feel less noticed. She walked back into her room, defeated. She was doomed. There was no escape from her infernal fate. She threw herself onto the bed, begging for whatever supernatural force to come take her away in this very spot.

That's when the idea latched onto her like a rabid Metroid. She got up, reinvigorated, and looked at her own wily smile in the mirror.

"Samus, you are one nasty little person."

----

insert highly detailed version of Samus' scheme here

----

As much as Samus liked the ends to her plan, the means were an entirely different story. She realized that she would have to associate with those that disgusted her. But if it meant getting out of this hellhole, then she could care a lot less.

The first part of the plan was easy; it was the second part that was going to be hard to execute. But first, she needed to get her arsenal checked. Wasn't too hard: one was coming up from behind her, anyways. "Say, Snake." The agent froze on the spot as his heart pumped more and more blood up to his head. Not once did she ever acknowledge him, so that must mean...

"Yes, my, uh, little cherry plum pudding?" Samus gagged.

I think I just died a little inside. I'm going to bet that he has some stupid pick-up lines book, but maybe I'm just being paranoid, she thought.

Behind her, Snake flipped through a little pocket-book. "I said it word for word, and yet it just sounds so wrong..."

"Look, I kinda need your help on something."

"And, uh, whatever would that be?" Snake asked as he put it back into his hidden pocket.

"You know how Zelda and Peach have been these days, right? Well, I'll tell you why they did it."

"...go on."

Samus had rarely ever smiled or snorted a chuckle in her line of work--a stoic, blank look was all that was needed--so she found out how hard it was to tell a lie while keeping a straight face. "They're very lonely."

"Don't lie to me." Snake took a long drag out of his cigarette. The smell of smoke lingered in the air. "They're having the time of their lives."

DANGER, DANGER! PLAN B! PLAN B! "Have you ever heard me lie before?" said Samus as she tried her best impression of Peach pouting.

"I, I, no! Of course not! I just thought it was weird, because you're the non-social type!"

"Funny, Snake. First of all, they're my friends, and second, they're the only other women in this hellho- I mean mansion. And it's an unwritten law that women have to help each other out in dire times of need."

"Ok..." said Snake. "But what is it that you need me to do?"

----

Peach and Zelda were out on the terrace basking in the sun in their summer bikinis. They had to admit, all the attention was good, but it was nice to have a break every once in a while. The sun's rays soothed their skin, giving Zelda's a light tan. Peach was always cautious about her skin, so her parasol took most of the radiation for her. Nothing was disturbing them.

Peach reached out for her strawberry sundae ("Just peachy!") from the table right beside her and took a sip. The cool, moist drink trickled down her throat. "This is the life!" she said.

"Yes, I know. It's so peaceful up here. The clouds, the birds, the moving box in the corner, and the warm breeze," commented Zelda. "We're at the best place in the world. It's so tranquil up here."

"Yes, I-- eek!"

"Peach, what is it?"

"I just felt something touching me!"

"I don't see anything touching-- wait a minute. That box looks familiar." Zelda motioned to Peach to not move or say a word. She concentrated a Din's Fire in her left palm, and let it float slowly towards the box. Using all the concentration she could muster, she willed the projectile to not explode, resulting in the box's transformation into a burning cardbox marshmallow.

An "AGGGH!" emanated from the box as well as a "Snake? Snake?! SNAAAAAAAAAKE!"

"I thought so," smirked Zelda. They watched as Snake flipped the box over and ran out. Once again, Peach took a golf club out of nowhere and pointed it towards Snake's head.

"Hold it," she commanded. "What were you doing up here?"

"I was, uh, enjoying the sunshine?"

"Sure you were. FORE!" Peach said as she swung her golf club into Snake's... well, let's just say that it hurt where it hurt the most. The hardened mercenary cried out in pain as she she repositioned herself for another swing.

"I'll never tell you anything! Never! It's already too late!"

"What do you mean?"

"The pictures of you--" A seagull cawed overhead. "--have been sent to everyone. You're ruined! Mwahahahaha--ARGH!" Snake fell silent as Peach whacked him again.

"What pictures? I don't see any--" Zelda reached into Snake's magic pocket and pulled out a small rectangular object that she had heard was called a camera.

Zelda stared at Peach in horror.

"We've gotta get those pictures back!" they yelled. They hastily ran back to their rooms and put on their dresses.

The next few hours in the afternoon was total pandemonium. Closets were overturned, drawers were pulled open, Yoshis and Kirbys had hands stuffed into their oral cavities, and who could forget the dismantling of every vehicle in the garage? Captain Falcon was devastated, Olimar went emo, and Samus, well, she knew she had to make a few sacrifices. The three pilots from the Lylat System were too busy fighting to notice what was going on.

When their search ended up in vain, Peach and Zelda decided to take drastic last measures: take this up to Master Hand. Everyone knew that meant business. The last time a complaint was filed to him, the mansion laid in ruins, insurance claims were filed, and the only show on TV was reruns of Barney. No one wanted to go through that again, and Snake was no different.

"Oh, please don't go up!" he begged. "I'll tell you the truth, honest!"

"Ok, then," hissed Zelda. "Spill the beans."

"Ok, the truth, is, uh, there were no pictures!"

"So why did you say there were in the first place?" Snake hit a dilemma knew that he could not give the enemy any information, but he didn't want to be blown into a thousand pieces either.

"Well?" Peach gave him one of her rare threatening looks. Tell.

"I'm counting on you," said Samus as Snake replayed their meeting and her plan. Don't tell.

"All right, I'll admit it! I was put up to it!"

"By who?"

Just then, the door to the two madwomen's right burst open. "I'll admit it; it was me," panted Samus. She, too, had heard about the calamity to come. Like Snake, she knew that her problems were like a mosquito bite compared to what Master Hand would have done.

The silence expanded. Snake hastily crept out of sight. A draft blew in, creating the author's lame improvisation of a western showdown. Zelda narrowed her eyes. "You made us search in vain for pictures that didn't exist. Prepare to die."

"Wait, wait! I don't think we need to solve this by violence, do we?" Samus asked hastily. Normally, she could take down an entire battalion of Space Pirates by herself, but two-against-one matches here were unfair when she's facing two equally pissed-off opponents.

"Oh, but I think we do," said Peach in that honey-covered tone. Samus knew she had no way out of this. She also knew this was her chance, but it was a risky one.

"H-how about a bet, then? Loser, or losers," Samus gestured towards the two of them, who glowered, "have to do the winner's bidding."

"You're on."

There was another draft, as that annoying announcer's voice boomed in. "3, 2, 1, GO!"

Samus whipped right into action. She swung her plasma whip straight at Peach, who guarded it with one of her golf clubs. Zelda took this opportunity to send a Din's Fire right towards Samus. She barely rolled out of the way before it exploded. Peach pulled three turnips out of the ground and threw them. One conked her in the head which disoriented her and gave Zelda enough time to deliver a strong magical surge through Samus' body. Samus felt the pain course through her body, but she tightened her muscles in hopes of alleviating the pain. At this point, Samus grabbed onto Zelda with her whip and threw the princess into the ground behind the bounty hunter. She was temporarily dazed.

Now that one opponent was down for a while, Peach launched her hips right into Samus. The impact knocked Samus a bit backwards. As Peach came in for another attack, Samus sidestepped out of the way and delivered a low kick to her legs. As she was going down, Samus flicked her plasma whip again, hitting her straight in the back. She squealed and fell to the ground motionless.

Zelda got back up, and reflexively put up a Nayru's Love as Samus fired three quick rounds off her paralyzer. As Zelda was spinning, Samus dodged all of her reflected shots and punched Zelda in the face as she started to come to a halt. Zelda was knocked out cold.

"The winner is... SAMUS!"

Samus didn't hear the announcer. She was too focused on waiting for Peach and Zelda to wake up. She thought carefully about what she would have them do. They began to stir. Samus walked towards them. "You OK?"

Zelda brushed herself off as she got up. "What is it that you want us to do?"

----

Many of the men looked forward to the grand entrance of the lovely ladies at breakfast, walking in with their skimpy outfits. How dissapointed they were when Zelda and Peach dressed in their normal attire. "What do you think happened?" Snake asked Captain Falcon.

"I have no idea," Snake shot back. "At least there's still one left, right?"

Falcon sighed. "Yeaaaah, there's one left." He gazed dreamily at the door, waiting for his saviour to come in her usual attire.

What he saw next stopped his heart.

As the doors opened, Samus walked into the room in... a dress? Yes, it was a horrid pink and royal purple dress that covered most of her body, which appeared to be a clash between Peach and Zelda's styles of fashion. Her hair was braided and done up and she even had the long white gloves. "Samus?" said Snake. "Is that you?" She didn't answer. She walked straight to her seat and began eating her food with dignity.

"Samus, you haven't said a word yet," said Mario. Samus stopped eating her pancakes and dropped her fork.

"Well, I've been taught how to be ladylike, which I know you people find distasteful." Her syllables slid off her tongue like Zelda. Mario just stared at her. She then let out a high-pitched giggle like Peach, which pierced everyone's ears. "Now," she continued, "if you will excuse me, I would like to finish my breakfast."

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**Well, that's the end of that. Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Remember to review!**


	6. Urges Best Left Unfulfilled

**Again, I don't own Super Smash Bros. (Don't think I've done this in quite a while) Anyways, enjoy this newest chapter!

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**

Samus loved the lack of attention. After her little stunt at breakfast three days ago, no man turned around for a second look at her. Even when she decided to wear her zero suit, everyone ran away when she did the "Peach giggle." _That sound comes from the devil's instrument_, Falcon thought. He had found her appealing, but now was turned off.

Of course, there was still one man who hadn't given up all hope yet. Snake made it his mission to win Samus' heart for... less-than-moral reasons. Every single ploy of his always ended up in complete failure, but he never, ever, got a clue. He just assumed that with enough hard work and perseverance, she will ultimately be his.

At least, this was the idea. In fact, it might have worked (after a few years), had she not seen what was in his room.

On that Saturday morning, Samus woke up and proceeded to the bathroom she had previously destroyed a few days ago. It had been masterfully restored; the sink was as pristine as ever, the toilet wasn't in pieces, and the hair products that lined the counter were back as well. Samus personally preferred the bare requirements of good, well-conditioned hair because it didn't mess up her naturally sleek hair, but would put some of Peach's favourite--Mushroom A Creme--whenever someone like Snake tried to get into a fling with her. Her conditioned hair made her hair look very poofy and not sensual. She decided on today's daily question: 'should I put some disgusting muck into my hair today or just let it be?' With her poofy hair, she looked terrible and it itched every hour. Without her poofy hair meant she would be harassed, albeit occasionally.

She decided to risk it. It wasn't like every man in the building ogled her every time she went by anymore, right? She walked out of the bathroom, happy that she chose not to not like a deranged version of Peach (not that she wasn't already stupid enough, both appearance-wise and intelligence-wise). She turned left, towards the stairs of the grand dining room, when she saw something that caught her eye: a piece of her suit. She was sure that she left her power suit in her room, and definitely in good shape. She continued walking towards the stairs.

...only to rush back into her room and inspect her wardrobe. Her instincts proved correct: one of her suits was missing, and she could have sworn she took inventory and all of her battle attire was accounted for. She walked back out and found that the piece she left on the floor had now vanished. She narrowed her eyes and walked into the room of the one person who would go as far as steal her belongings: her friendly neighbour stalker Snake. She knocked twice on his door. Nary a sound replied back. She gripped the doorknob tightly and opened it slowly, for Snake was known to set traps in his room, like herself. The room was dark; no light shone through the grimy windows, but thanks to her newly-installed night vision enhancement, she manuvered her way to the center of the room. Snake was asleep on his bed.

'That's odd,' thought Samus. Snake once mentioned in passing that it was unwise for a spy to let himself be vulnerable at any given time. Lying asleep on a mattress was just begging for a sneak attack. No matter. She walked straight towards him, only to fall on the cardboard box she had always seen him use. Her resulting crash made Snake shoot up in panic, and he barely registered his gun when he saw what had happened.

Samus came into his room and was lying on the floor, prone. He could--, no, there must be a reason why she came into his room. He looked over her and saw that his box was knocked over. His heart started beating ever faster. He had better fix that up before she noticed. She got back up. Too late. She looked over at the overturned box, and found out why the hardened mercenary hadn't been using that box for himself.

"What the hell is this crap!?" Her disbelief and pure rage fulminated into a giant tower of disaster. "I know you're... horny, but this is going too far!" What was in her hand, you ask? Just a few magazines.

"Look, I can explain!"

"Oh? I'm sure you can--" she was interrupted as she was flipping through the magazines and a few photos flitted out. All of them were of the women in the mansion. But what caught her eye was that fleeting glimpse of Nana in her room. She exploded, kinda like when you pour some Mentos into Pepsi. "YOU SICK BASTARD!"

"I-I-I don't know how that got there! I'm pretty sure that was a mis-shot when I was aiming for Zel--" but he was interrupted by a charged up shot from Samus' gun.

"You are the sickest bastard I've ever met," she growled. She scavenged the rest of his room for her missing suit, and found it stashed away in a corner. She slammed the door with broke into little splinters, showering the carpet with little bits of wood.

--

When you live at the Smash Mansion, news travels quickly. So when Snake came down for lunch after an intense brawl between Jigglypuff and Ness, everyone, particularly the girls, wolfed down their food and scurried out of sight. The only ones who hadn't dashed off at the speed of light were Captain Falcon, who felt that Snake had done nothing wrong, and Wolf, who really didn't give a crap about what anyone did.

"So, uh, what do you think I can do now?" Snake asked the two after recanting his story to them.

"Take advantage of the situation and grope as many as you can," said Captain Falcon. He, too, like Snake, was perverted, though he was more open in on the fact. Due to his constant release of energy, he wasn't as controlled by his "manly" urges (as Falcon called them) as Snake.

"That doesn't really help." He looked at Wolf. "Do you have any ideas?"

"No, no, I don't. Even if I did, why would I tell you?"

"Because we're buddies? Bros before hos?"

"Nice try, pal." Wolf got up and dug his claws into the table. The sickening cracks that resulted told Snake that this conversation was over. "If you really want to try, you're gonna have to try somewhere else. If you want somewhere to start, though, get rid of your magazines. They're poison to women's eyes."

"How the hell did you--"

"Trust me, bucky, I know. Ask any more and I will rip your eyes out and make you eat them." Snake was now in a dilemma. With his soiled reputation, he wasn't going to have a very good time. On the other hand, he cannot function without his visual stimuli. He would wither away and die like the insignificant--

Well, that was unnecessary description. Anyways, Snake retired back into his room and piled all of his magazines in a corner. He reluctantly used his cardboard boxes to store them in and burn them later. He started putting them in, issue by issue. _Jungle Girls, Spicy Beaches, Bad Snazzy Thangs, Hurricane Struck,_ and all those other issues filled with... anywho. He then started to pile his DVDs in. _Amazonian Kingdom, Raunchy Kokiri, The Toadette Next Door,_ and so on.

But when he got to his private videos that he made of Samus, Zelda, and Peach, his heart began aching. He couldn't throw these away, these were some of his most prized possessions! He put them into another box that he tucked into a corner of his closet, that never once saw the light of day. He sighed a breath of relief. No one was going to find them here. He picked up the box that he was going to discard and walked down to the incinerator. He looked at them, his nightly entertainment, about to be eaten by a colony of ravishing flames. As he was about to lower the box into fiery doom, his stomach had a second opinion. Today's breakfast did not agree with him, as it slammed into his stomach walls with intense force. Panicking on the spot, he put the box down and ran into the bathroom.

Here, he took the time to ponder. Why did he have that kind of stuff with him anyways? It wasn't like he never got a date, right? He ran into quite a few women in his line of work. He blissfully recounted all of them, like Meryl, the colonel's daughter, and Sniper Wolf, the woman who always like to aim for his head. Who was he kidding?! No wonder! He has nothing! He wallowed in his pit of despair as his bowels cleared up. Sighing heavily he walked back down to the incinerator, only to find his box missing.

"Where is it?!" he cried out. He was only gone for a couple of minutes and nobody ever ventured down into the incinerator. Ok, well, maybe ROB did every once in a while to take out some unwanted trash, but even then that was rare. Snake pratically sprinted up to the robot's room. It was a small room, filled with eletronic gadgets and constant beeping and booping. He turned the room upside-down in the frantic search for his box. After ive minutes of throwing junk behind him, Snake heard an ominous robotic voice behind him.

"IDENTIFYING INTRUDER. INTRUDER IDENTIFIED AS SNAKE. COMMENCE INTERROGATION SEQUENCE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE."

"I'm looking for something you might have taken from the trash bin. ROB looked at him, silently asking to be clarified. "I'm talking about the incinerator."

"COMPUTING, COMPUTING." ROB's eyes flashed red and green as he accessed his history log. "SUBJECT 1337 DID NOT FIND INCINERATOR ENTRY RECORDS ON SUBJECT 1337."

"Wait, so does that mean you weren't down there today?"

"AFFIRMATIVE."

"Oh, ok. Thanks." And he left the robot alone to pick up the mess he had created, without emotion.

--

"Where's Snake now?" asked Mario? "He's supposed to have a match this afternoon."

"Well, maybe it's better if he doesn't show up. For the sake of everyone, I mean." Ike, though he be a hardened Crimean mercenary, was still shocked at disturbing images in his brain that he had never ever contemplated before.

"You're still hung up over what Samus told us?"

"If you're talking about the pictures and magazines of women, then yeah, I'm still pretty 'hung up' over it."

"Well, you're a mercenary. I'm sure you've seen women before, after, you, uh, win a battle."

"Yeah, well, I've never seen one without clothes on." Ike's cheeks turned crimson. Mario raised an eyebrow. Mario was a plumber saving a princess from an evil turtle in a kid-friendly universe, so if he never saw anything, then it was normal. But Ike, a mercenary in a universe where war is commonplace and disaster and tragedy strike, not seeing any? He was definitely deprived.

"Get-a outta my way!" said Wario.

"Geez, you could at least be a little politer. What's in the box?"

"I found it in my playground. You can't have it!" He walked away, singing under his breath what sounded suspiciously like "If I Was A Rich Girl."

"Is it me, or did that look like one of Snake's boxes?" asked Ike.

"Sure did," said Mario.

--

Snake was screwed. He needed to destroy the evidence soon. His search turned up fruitless. Almost every inch of the mansion had been put underneath his surveillance, and nothing that resembled a box that read "To be destroyed" showed up. The only place he hadn't checked were people's rooms. Resigning himself to asking permission, he sought out the other fighters and asked, "May I come in your room?"

Normally, they would just give him an awkward glance and flat out say "no." Adding the fact that he was a closet perv forcefully pulled out, they gave involuntary shudders and ran away faster than Sonic on caffeine. It wasn't until he got to Ike that he finally got somewhere.

"Why do you want to go into my room?" Ike had never had a pass made to him before, though he had heard about it. Was Snake... no, he wouldn't.

"I want to see if you took something by accident."

"Like what?" Snake was starting to panic here. He couldn't tell him what he hid. Embarassment was sure to follow. But better Ike than the others, I guess.

"A box. You seen it?"

"Box, box... yeah, I saw it! Think I saw Wario dragging it off somewhere." No sooner had Ike finished his sentence, Snake had vanished from sight.

Snake had never been in Wario's room. So when he broke the door down, he discovered it was worse than any other mission he had been on. The walls were covered in god-knows-what, the room was messy (though Snake's was too; Wario's looked like a junkyard), and there was a scent of rancid manure lingering in the air.

"What-a do you want?" Wario was not happy with an intruder in his room.

"Box. Mine. Return. Now."

"I don't-a know what you're-a talking about." Wario was doing a very poor job of hiding a cardbox in the corner of his closet that never ever saw the light of day. Well, almost everything in his room never saw the light of day. Snake didn't bother saying anything; he just reached out and grabbed the box. He then made a run for it.

"Come-a back here!" The chase was on. Smashers passing by looked at the two rushing by: A mercenary holding a box two sizes too big and a fat little man chasing after him emitting a disgusting odour which I cannot describe (it's terrible, I tell you!) Finally, they make it back to the incinerator. As Snake was about to throw it in, Wario headbutted Snake in the gut, causing him to drop the box.

"Alright, this does it, you little obese man." Snake had had enough. He got ready to fight. He was going to pound the little sucker into the ground, and he was going to like it. The mysterious announcer voice popped it again.

"3, 2, 1, FIGHT!"

Snake started by throwing a grenade at Wario, which really didn't work, cause Wario just gobbled it up and it exploded in his stomach. "That tickles," he chuckled. He charged straight towards Snake. Snake dodged, and Wario ended up in a pile of scrap metal.

Now's my chance, thought Snake. He took out his rocket launcher and shot it straight at Wario. It hit dead on. Wario was charred from the explosion, but Snake could hear a faint munching sound. Wario was eating away at the scrap metal, and when he finished, he became a lot plumper. Wario was getting a little pissed. He took out his motorcycle and drove towards Snake who hurriedly got out of the way with his Cypher. Wario swiftly swerved around and hit Snake dead-on as he let go. Snake was going to take a severe beating if Wario managed to run him over one more time.

That's when Snake got an idea. As Wario started swerving around for the final blow, Snake secretly planted a mine in the ground and stepped backwards a few paces, and watched as Wario moved in for the kill. The bike threw Wario up into the air as it came in contact with the mine. He came back down with a resounding thud. "Don't-a think this is-a over!" hissed Wario, as he grabbed a piece of garlic out of his... I'm not even going to go there. He then ate it, causing a bright flash of light to blind Snake momentarily. Standing there was... can I get a drumroll here, people?

WARIO-MAN!!!!!!!!!

Wario-Man charged at Snake with vigor, knocking him off his feet. Wario-man then released a flurry of punches, each causing moderate damage. Snake managed to get away from the barrage and shot a rocket at Wario-Man. Little did he know that Wario-Man was invincible! "Behold-a my ultimate-a power!" cried Wario-Man. Snake had an ill sense of foreboding as the fake superhero's face contorted with concentration. His face started turning red. Snake knew what he was going to do, but it was too late. Wario-Man let out an unholy cloud of flatuence throughout the room, causing a huge explosion when it came into contact with the flames. Snake and Wario-Man were instantly knocked out (as he turned back to Wario after he released his final attack) and the box that Snake was planning to destroy was consumed in the raging inferno. No more _Spicy Beaches_ for him. No more _Hurricane Struck_ for him. No more... you get the idea.

I forgot to mention that the explosion shook the very foundations of the building. In the end, what Snake could only remember was Squirtle putting out the flames and then, nothing. The next thing he knew, he was in a bed. Samus was up above, staring down at him.

"Where am I?" he asked.

"In the sick bay. Try not to move, cause you're suffering from third-degree burns." Snake cringed as the stinging sensation coursed through his body. He was wrapped in bandages from head to toe. "What were you doing down there, anyways?"

"Leaving my past behind. I burned them, Samus, you hear me? All of them." Samus just stared at him incredulously.

"I'm finding that a little hard to believe."

"You don't have to believe me, but I just want you to know that I did."

"Well, if you insist." Samus said nothing more and left Snake in the hospital wing.

Over the course of the next few days, everyone started talking to Snake again, and Snake slowly forgot that he even had those secret photos that he stashed away in his closet.

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**Alright, this fic will be less "hardcore" now. It'll start getting more easier on people who have virgin eyes (though I highly doubt it, if you've been following along). Stay tuned and don't forget the little button below which you can click on.**


	7. Show Me Ya Boo, I mean, Manners!

**Newest chapter here now, eh?**

**Ok, I'll be honest with you guys. Turns out that the virgin eye raping fest hasn't ended yet. If you guys threw up in any of the last chapters, I suggest you don't read any further down.**

**It will probably scar you for life (or not; mostly probably not), so here is my lovely disclaimer in which I will actually use for once.**

**Disclaimer: The author has no legal possession of the characters in this work of fiction. All characters are strictly property of Nintendo (and Sega and Konami, but Sonic can kiss my a--). The author is also not responsible for any cries of horror, angry parents, gouging of eyes, mental breakdowns, and etc.**

**You're still here? Ok, well, if you're sure. Don't say I didn't warn you.

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**

Captain Falcon was disheartened. One of his "buddies," Snake, had sworn to end his days as a closet pervert, meaning that Falcon had no one to talk to about Zelda voluptuous breasts. What was worse was that the women were actually _talking_ to him. He, the manliest man of men, would get only as so much as a scowl from one of them passing by, and here was Snake, chatting amicably with each one.

He frowned. No, that would mean that Snake had betrayed him of sorts. Glaring through his dark visor, he resolved to have a woman speak to him. He would do anything.

Even if it meant getting that pesky Snake out of the way.

--

It was early the next morning that Peach decided to rise early. She did not feel like brawling today, but decided to check the schedule anyways. She put her ear to the door; she didn't like seeing anyone else out of bed before 7:00 or before she put all her makeup on. Tiptoeing past Yoshi's door, she crept down the stairs and made her way to the foyer. A monitor was placed there, displaying today's matches and a few important announcements. Numerous fingerprints were smudged onto the monitor, one of the few disadvantages of being touch-screen.

Peach looked at the clock display. It was 6:34. She hit the Today's Matches button. They should be up by now, since the page is usually updated at 6:00 sharp. The page in question shot out from the screen. Today's matches were all 1-stock battles. She scrolled down. Meta Knight vs. Luigi, Mario vs. Lucario, Ness vs. Zelda, and Peach vs. Captain Falcon.

She sighed. "You're kidding me." She pressed the home button, causing the screen to go back to its original page. She walked back up the stairs, in hope of getting some make-up on before anyone saw her.

The third floor bathroom was just on the other end of the hallway. She walked down the corridor, doing her best not to make any noise. The silence was deafening, which was why it came to a shock for Peach when a door creaked from behind her.

"Peach? What are you doing up so early?" She turned around.

Snake cringed at her early morning appearance; she looked like she aged 50 years. "What do you want, Snake?" She was so not up to this. "I just want to go to the bathroom, okay?"

"Uh, sure. I was just going to go down to get some early grub anyways." He took a few steps towards the stairs. "Want to join me downstairs?"

"Thanks, Snake, I'll think about it." She gave him a fleeting smile and walked towards the bathroom. Little did the both of them now that one of the doors was ajar, and through that gap were two beady little eyes that harboured rage and disbelief.

----

The matches went on as scheduled. Meta Knight diced Luigi, Lucario pulverized Mario, and Zelda sent Ness flying out of the arena. Finally, it was Peach against Captain Falcon. She appeared on the Battlefield in a flurry of petals, while C. Falcon rode in with his Blue Falcon. There was something about C. Falcon today which made Peach shiver involuntarily. There was impalpable rage behind that visor.

The announcer boomed, "3, 2, 1, GO!"

Peach began with a Hip Rush, which Falcon easily sidestepped. He then retaliated with a quick jab to her head. She crashed into the rocky ground before she somersaulted on an upcoming attack. A capsule fell from the air, and C. Falcon quickly swiped it and threw it at Peach. As Peach guarded with her arms, Falcon swooped in, grabbing onto Peach and jumping up with her in his arms.

Peach was _**VERY**_ uncomfortable. "What the HELL are you doing, Falcon?" Falcon's arms were wrapped around her bosom. She was extremely pissed when Falcon set them both on fire and pelvic-thrusted her away from him. Fuming with rage, Peach bent down and started picking turnips out of the ground.

"Ow, hey, stop it!" cried Falcon as he was being pelted by veggies from _**HELL**_ with crude, demonic faces.

It all went straight to hell when Peach plucked out a beam sword. Waving it around, she blasted the pilot off the platform. Peach twirled her parasol around and winked at the audience as Falcon fell.

They both were then teleported off to the side, away from the eyes of the audience. No sooner had they regained their grounding did Peach walk up to Falcon and slap him silly. Zelda rushed through the doors and hurriedly separated them. "Peach!" she cried. "What on earth has gotten into you?"

Peach instinctively wrapped her arms around her midriff. "This creep touched me during the fight!" She pointed at Falcon accusingly.

Zelda sighed. "Peach, it's a brawl. Of course you're going to get touched." Peach narrowed her eyes and squeezed Zelda's left boob. She neither let out nary a cry nor take a sharp intake of air. Instead, she raised an eyebrow and turned towards Falcon, who had mysteriously moved back a few feet. Zelda hissed, "You are a sick bastard, Falcon." Falcon realized what was going to happen next and _**FALCON Dashed**_ away.

"Figures." Zelda sighed and turned to look at Peach. "I'm really sorry that he did that to you." Peach patted her dress. She never realized how dirty it had gotten during the brawl.

"It's okay. I mean, everyone knows what Falcon is like anyways, right?" Zelda rolled her eyes. Whoever didn't know what happened after dinner had to have lived under a rock, particularly the girls. As much as they blew him off (another term for "beat the crap out of"), he still kept coming.

Peach agreed. "Right." She looked over towards the doorway that Falcon ran out of. "Well, I better get going for dinner. I'm starving!" Zelda bade her farewell.

The evening sun casted warm orange light into the hall. The shadows stretched beyond normal. Marth had always loved walking down the halls at this time; he had always felt it was romantic. But now that he was a tough guy, he kept his macho pose up. He stole a glance towards the paintings adorning the walls, and didn't realize that something had tripped him.

"Ouch!" He turned around, wincing, and saw an all too familiar cardboard box. "Snake, what on earth are you doing?"

"Practicing sneaking around," Snake answered. "This is a great time for stealth, don't you agree?"

"Well, I guess so…" Marth trailed off. He swiftly turned around again. "Wait. Why?"

"That's for me to know and for you to never find out."

Marth sniffled. "Fine." Snake gave him a curt nod before wandering off in that greasy box. He continued walking down the corridor. It wasn't long before he picked out Captain Falcon's silhouette from the shadows casted across the hall.

God, what does he want now? Marth wondered as Captain Falcon drew closer.

Marth sighed and decided to get it over with. "What do you want, Falcon?"

"Nothing. Just wondering if you've seen a pesky Snake by any chance." Although Marth could not see it, he was sure that behind his visor, Falcon was frowning. Marth whistled to himself. If Falcon's mad, then Snake better watch out. I wouldn't want to get Falcon Pun—

"_**FALCON RAGE**_!!!!" Falcon took out the entire side of the corridor with his fist. Marth did not want to stick around any further, and took off faster than a Munchlax spotting food a mile away.

--

Master Hand was not happy. Thanks to Captain Falcon's misguided rage, he had to take some money out of their annual budget to totally replaster the "missing" wall. To vent his anger, he ordered all the fighters to come down to a meeting on "not destroying buildings." Naturally, everything Master Hand said went in one ear of most of the brawlers and out the other.

"Well, why can't you just use some of your crazy magic to fix it?" asked Ike.

Master Hand sneered. "OK, first of all, I don't have crazy magic; Crazy does. Second of all, I can't use my powers because it's 'illegal' and theauthorisabastardandlimitingmetousingconventionalmeanstofixallourproblems."

"I'm sorry, but what was that last part?"

"The board wants us to be more realistic," Master Hand went on. "Now I would've kicked Falcon out for defacing private property, but there are prepubescent boys (who give us quite a bit of money) out there who like him. I haven't the slightest idea why."

From the other side of the room, Captain Falcon was having an argument with Wario. "What was that you put in my sandwich? _**FALCON PUNCH**_!!!"

"That's why." Samus had joined in and rolled her eyes as Wario went sailing into a chandelier ("Happy place," Master Hand muttered. "Go to your happy place…"). "It's what boys like: mindless violence."

"I find that insulting, you know," said Ike. Samus gave him the cold shoulder and walked away, crushing glass from beneath her heels.

"You're lucky that there's no behind the scenes program," she said as she walked away. "Ratings might go down because of overprotective parents." That made a gear click in Master Hand's brain (or whatever he thinks with).

Master Hand soon declared, "I've made up my mind." He glided over to where Falcon was beating the hell out of Wario and picked him up by the helmet.

"Master Hand, put me down!"

"Falcon, if you're not going to straighten out yourself anytime soon, I will have no choice but to take away your title as a Smasher." The racer's face blanched.

"You wouldn't."

"Try me." Master Hand set Falcon down. "I'm giving you three days. If by the end of the third day you don't show any significant improvement, you can kiss your title and privileges goodbye."

Falcon fell silent. His entire spirit had been crushed. Some of the other fighters like Mr. Game & Watch, Fox, and Olimar looked on and secretly gave each other high-fives behind their backs.

Captain felt heat surge across his face and walked quickly out of the room, slamming the wooden door behind him, which promptly fell off from its hinges. Master Hand grumbled as he placed the door against the wall and left, fuming.

----

"Alright, Falcon, calm down. You can do this. If you still act like this, you can kiss goodbye to Peach, Zelda, and Samus…"

Falcon was trying the ancient technique of self-motivating pep talks. It had some effect; Captain Falcon was not as furious, though I can't say the same for the other Smashers who couldn't help hearing his words of self-motivation penetrate one-foot concrete walls.

All had been going well for two days. C. Falcon was the same as ever, albeit a little toned down. The others were willing to exchange a few words of daily conversation with him. They still kept their guard up, however.

Hell broke loose the third day. It all began with everyone waking up and going down to breakfast. It was a subdued affair; barely anyone spoke a word. The sweet taste of freshly-made pancakes with thick maple syrup on top left little room for casual talk.

As everyone left the table, Falcon admired his reflection in his goblet. He was still as handsome as ever. Once Falcon was enraptured by his own visage, it'd take something like a scratch on the Blue Falcon to pry him away from it. With him being, jumpy, however, he was more prone to less serious issues, such as:

"Why, thank you, Snake. Silly me, forgetting my mirror."

"It's nothing, Peach." There was a giggle right after that. Falcon crushed his goblet. He rose, turned towards Snake, and tackled him to the floor. No one was sure what exactly happened next, but all anyone could remember was the clang of a frying pan hitting hard skull and Falcon slumping lifelessly onto the ground. Later inspection revealed that he was still breathing. Everyone sighed in disappointment.

Falcon soon awoke in a room that was… eerily calm and white; the total opposite of his own. It took him a few seconds to realize he was in the infirmary; the green curtains that were usually drawn had been pulled to the side. The steady blips of an ECG next to him broke the monotonous silence. He struggled to get out of the bed, but as he was about to do so, the door to the exit opened.

"I see you're awake." Dr. Mario (no one really knows if he's Mario or not. Falco once dragged Dr. Mario to dinner, but Mario mysteriously "went to training") moved to his desk and took a pill from a huge jar labeled "in case of Falcon." "Well, you sure stirred up quite a ruckus."

"How long have I been out?" Falcon held his head with one hand, steadying it from the continuous throbbing.

"Oh, three hours, give or take."

"Oh." Falcon rose. "Well, I'm feeling fine now, so if you'll excuse me…" Dr. Mario stuck a hand out, pushing Falcon back onto the bed.

"Not so fast. Now I've heard that you've had… what do you call it? A spaz, I believe?" Dr. Mario leaned in closer. "Listen, I not only have a license in medicine, but I'm a trained psychologist." Falcon twitched involuntarily. He did not to have everyone realize that he was seeing a shrink because "there was something wrong with his head."

"No, I'm fine, thank you." The F-Zero racer got up once more and stumbled towards the door and ran out into the hall before the doctor could stop him. He knew what would cure his "spaz," as Dr. Mario called it.

That was killing Snake.

--

Snake felt an ominous presence watching him. Although he was the master of stealth, no matter how well he hid, he could still feel the wind creeping silently, like someone breathing down his neck.

He decided to discuss this with Master Hand, but he was too busy with the damages by our one and only Captain Falcon. When he tried to get his attention, Master Hand sent him fling with a flick of his forefinger.

The women, on the other hand, were much keener on listening to his woes. As they showered him with "good luck" and "you'll be fine," the feeling grew much darker. He walked back up to his room, and sank into his bed, and tried to get some shut-eye, and was blissfully at the gap between dreams of reality.

All of a sudden, from seemingly out of nowhere, he heard a faint "FALCON PUNCH!" Snake opened his eyes and instinctively dodged to his side. A fist collided and decimated the bed. Getting a better view of his attacker, he saw it was Captain Falcon, seething with rage.

"Holy shit, Falcon," said Snake, "what the hell are you doing?"

Falcon growled. "You die now." He proceeded to throw a flurry of punches, all of which missed Snake by a couple of inches.

"Wait!" Falcon paused. Taking the chance he saw at hand, Snake continued. "How are we having this fight if the announcer dude isn't here?"

As if on cue, a booming voice shook Snake's bed's remains. "Sorry 'bout that. I was on my lunch break. Anyways, 3, 2, 1, GO!" Falcon took off a second before GO and threw a kick towards Snake's face.

"Seriously man, what the hell?!" Snake got out his Nikita Launcher and shot a big one at Falcon, who grabbed it, and crushed with his bare hands. He then proceeded to lunge towards Snake, who couldn't get away in time and was picked up by the collar by Captain Falcon. Falcon then did his infamous, disgusting attack; he launched straight up into the air and pelvic-thrusted Snake away from him.

"Aw, that was sick!" Snake grimaced in horror and stealthily planted a C4 behind him and leapt away.

"Tell me about it. You're a guy!" Falcon retorted. He charged towards Snake again, setting off the mine. He cried out in pain as he was thrown backwards, right into the closet.

Captain Falcon moaned and groped for steady ground. Instead, he took hold of a forgotten box. "What is this?" He opened it, and suddenly his face was one of glee. "Wouldn't the girls love to know you still have pictures of them!" And then, instead of pounding Snake, he pranced out of the room.

"Come back here!" Snake yelled, but it was too late. Snake chased Falcon down to the second floor. When he caught up to Falcon, he was too busy showing Peach some of the photos. "Look what I have Peach!" Snake gulped involuntarily. This was it. He was going to be shunned again, after the lovely ladies of the mansion had just opened up to him.

But as fate would have it, Peach stared down at the photos for two or three seconds, and began to whack Falcon on the head with a golf club. Thankfully, Falcon was wearing a helmet; otherwise, the blows landing on Falcon's skull would pierce his brain.

"You're a sick little perv," Peach hissed. Peach glided on the velvet red carpet and left the room. The hardened racer began to squeal like a baby. Although Snake saw it as a chance to pummel him senseless, he couldn't help but feel sorry for this dejected loser.

"Look, Falcon, I have no idea what's going on, but you obviously have a problem with me. Can't we discuss this like grown men?" Falcon wailed louder. Snake had no idea what to do, so he called his trusty relationships counselor, Mei Ling.

"Hey, Snake! Haven't heard from you in a long time!" Mei ling giggled.

"Hey, hi. Listen, I have a question for you…" and Snake relayed to Mei Ling exactly what had transpired in the past few minutes. There was silence on the other end.

"Mei Ling? You there?"

Snake couldn't help but notice hostility in her voice. "So. You call me after one month and the reason's because you need help understanding people? Geez, Snake, you could've talked with me more."

"Mei Ling, in case you haven't noticed, I'm in a fighting organization. That means less talk, more training."

"That doesn't stop you from making calls to Otacon every week."

"How did you—anyway, can we please get back to the topic at hand?"

"Suuuure," Mei Ling drawled. "What I think's going on is that Falcon has become jealous of you."

"Why do you say that?"

"Well, from what you've been telling me, you've been getting along with the ladies quite well these days. What a surprise," she muttered under her breath. "Does that answer your question?"

"Well, I guess so. What do you think I should do?"

"There's nothing you _can_ do but try to explain that he's being an idiot right now. Extra points if you can give a suggestion on how not to be insufferable." There was a brief pause. "And let me guess, that's all you need, right?"

"That's right." Mei Ling snorted.

"Figures. Have fun." The communication was soon cut off. Snake looked up and stared at Falcon, who was still bawling on the ground.

"Falcon." Falcon kept crying his eyes out, and the screeching drilled its way into Snake's brain. The spy couldn't take it anymore and gave him a good punch to the face. The crying ceased immediately. "Better now?" Falcon sniffled.

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Now look," said Snake, "from what I understand, you're…" and Snake began to go into intense detail about what had recently transpired.

"You hit it right on," said Falcon. "Now what?"

"Well, let me give you a little suggestion…"

--

"Well, I'm finally done replacing the door. Falcon, you better not be—"

But Master Hand never got to finish his sentence. He didn't need to. Falcon was displaying mannerisms never seen before. He noticed that some of the fighters sounded a little stiff, but other than that, they were keeping a GOOD conversation going.

"Phew." Master Hand shook his body around and in doing so, knocked over a Koopa vase.

"WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU—"

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**Well, there's another chappie done and over with. Oh, and I can't make any promises about, you know. If you don't know what I'm OMGITSTHEDISCLAIMERIMSUREYOUUNDERSTANDTHATRIGHT talking about, then, well, that's too bad.**

**Keep reading! The lovely review or two would be nice too!**

**Fun Fact: You know why authors keep asking for reviews? It's because it's our food. It is the life energy and the lulz that keep the deadly Writer's Block away. So, be a supportive reader and send in a review!**

**This message is approved by the Society of Helpful Idea Transmitters (who the hell came up with the acronym, anyways).**


	8. When Kitties Turn Into Lions

**Kay guys, the bad 14A stuff has been obliterated. Feel free to put your brain bleach away.

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If there was a thing that everyone knew about Lucas and Luigi, it was that they were pansies day in and day out. If there was as so much as a thing that resembled a clown that crossed their eyes, they would scream like little girls and run into the nearest wall. Everyone knew this, and so it became commonplace to set up the prank of the day.

The only people who didn't bother were the loners and the princesses Zelda and Peach. The two princesses doted on the two of them, and although Lucas and Luigi were thankful for their concern, it was smothering.

----

"Psst, Lucas." Lucas woke up to find Ness by his side. "You ready to get up yet? It's 8:00 already."

"8:00…?" He looked at his Mr. Saturn alarm clock, with a wide, open mouth with the digits 7:58. He groaned and tried to settle back into his bed.

"Lucas!" Lucas felt something soft collide with his head. Ness had hit him with a pillow.

"Alright, alright, I'm getting up." He jumped off his bed and set off for the bathroom. His normally groomed hair was a mess. He reached for his comb from his little compartment along the wall. As he put it to his head, he noticed something.

It wouldn't straighten out his hair. When he took a closer look at it, he—

"AUGH!" He had grabbed a snake. A slithery, wiggling, slimy snake. With fangs the size of Captain Falcon's… err… Kirby. He flung it across the room, where it made a horrible squelching sound as it hit the wall opposite to him. It was dead.

Well, at least it was a snake, he thought as he headed down for breakfast, the first hell of the day.

----

Somewhere else in the mansion, light was beginning to creep through the window of one Luigi Mario. The sunlight casted upon his custom-painted green walls.

"Uhnng…" Luigi shut his eyes, trying to blot out the piercing light invading them. Surrendering, he crawled out of his bed and groggily changed into his plumber outfit. He went out of his room and looked down the hall. Although there was some light, the hall remained dimly lit, to the point of haunted house lighting. Luigi trembled at the thought.

In the darkness, the hallway seemed to span forever. He tiptoed, hoping that nothing was going to come out. After what appeared to be minutes, he heard a slight creak to his left. He froze, heart beating ever faster. He began to walk faster, but soon there was shallow breathing, and it got closer, until it bore down on his neck.

It was right behind him. Luigi was sweating buckets. He slowly turned his head around.

"Whoo…" A translucent orange ghost with giant glowing green eyes was staring at him.

The next thing anyone awake heard was a high-pitched shriek and the thumps of someone falling down the stairs. Samus smirked as she took a wad of cash from a frowning Snake. "Told you the holograph works well."

----

Breakfast was crowded as usual. Everyone was sitting in their usual spots (away from Kirby; one would have to have lived under a rock if they don't know what that means). Lucas teased the spaghetti he had ordered in front of him with a fork. He happened to be sitting beside Luigi, who was chewing at his own spaghetti. Lucas decided to take a bite. He felt something wriggling in his mouth. He spat it out and discovered it was—

"WORM!" He upended the table just to get away from the slithery creature. The plates of food soared through the air as everyone barely had time to react. Splat! Smush! That was all one could hear as the food made their way to their targets.

There was dead silence for a few seconds before someone erupted in laughter. Toon Link, Popo, and Sonic were rolling around in pancake and maple syrup, laughing their heads off.

"Oh, that was just classic!" said Sonic. Aside from the three frolicking on the ground, no one was amused. Ganondorf had that irreplaceable scowl on his face, his right hand glowing with dark energy. Wolf's fingers were itching towards his blaster.

"That was mean and horrible!" yelled Peach. Her normally blond hair now had gobs of sticky maple syrup and her dress was now a horrid clash of pink and brown. "Look at me! I'm covered in goo!"

Sonic sneered. "Geez, princess, you can go and rinse it all off, can't ya?" A vein pulsed in Peach's temple, and the next thing Sonic knew was he was being hit over the head continuously by a frying pan and a golf club. Popo and Toon Link took a few steps back as she saw the murderous intent seeping out of Peach's eyes. The two of them hastily took off as they swore they heard hiss, "You're next."

After all this commotion, Ike kept eating. From the ground. "Well, I can say that that was hilarious." Luigi was somewhat disgusted. Ike kept on eating. "By the way, Luigi. If I remember correctly, we have a match today, don't we?" Peach had just finished with Sonic (groaning in pain on the floor, muttering something about not messing with a girly girl anymore) and was looking for her next two targets.

"Y-yeah, I guess." Luigi gulped. He had forgotten about today's match. The teams were set: Ike and Bowser versus Luigi and Lucas.

Bowser smirked. "Heh. Your asses are mine." Luigi's face turned pale. Ike finished his bacon and left a slimy puddle of grease on the floor. Luigi turned to look at the clock. His pupils shrunk. Thirty minutes to go.

"L-Lucas, you ready?" He didn't need an answer; the look on Lucas' face was enough.

----

"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to today's match!" Master Hand's boomed over the speakers. "Today, we give you a frightening battle within a ghostly manor! Put your hands together for the fighters!" The audience applauded. The plain stage in front of them began to glow as an old mini-mansion rose from the ground. The lighting suddenly seemed to fail, before a moon rose to provide the only source of natural light. The sides of the mansion fell, leaving the top suspended by support pillars. Finally, the house lights lit up as a shrill cackle filled the stadium.

"First off, we have Mr. Nintendo's brother, the infamous Luigi!" The crowd applauded as Luigi jumped out of a Warp Pipe. He put on a show of confidence, but he was really shaking in fear of the mansion filled with ghosts.

"Next, we have the young psychic from the islands of Nowhere, Lucas!" There was more applause as Lucas raced onto the stage on a Mr. Saturn coffee table. He chuckled and nervously scratched the back of his head.

"Next, we have Mario's archnemesis, His Nastiness, Bowser!" The Koopas shrieked as they saw their king emerge from a wall of flames. Some of the girl Goombas fainted in awe.

"And lastly, we have our hardened mercenary, Ike of the Greil Mercenaries!" Ike heard the roars of the crowd as he warped onto the stage and flinched when the fangirls began to squeal and make some remarks that'd make Ganondorf cringe.

"Take me, Ike!"

"Look at me, Ike! Kyaaaaaaa!"

"I want you in me, Ike!"

Master Hand waited for the crowd (particularly the fangirls) to subside, but they wouldn't. "AHEM!" A deafening silence followed. "Anyways, today's match will be a team battle, one life each. Lucas and Luigi versus Ike and Bowser." Cheers erupted from the audience. "Are all the combatants ready?" All four nodded. "All right, then. 3, 2, 1, GO!"

Ike swung his sword at Lucas, who shrieked and rolled backwards. Ike moved in for another strike, but Lucas fought him off with two quick jabs. As Ike keeled over, Lucas took out his trusty stick and smashed it into Ike's sternum. The force sent him flying off the stage.

While Lucas was busy waiting for Ike to return on the recovery platform, Luigi was screaming and running around in circles as Bowser chased him with his fire breath. The green plumber tried to jump punch Bowser, but he stepped away before the impact. Luigi whimpered as he plummeted back down as Bowser grabbed him and piledrived him into the ground. Luigi groaned as he sailed away from the stage.

As Bowser laughed, he didn't notice the giant snowflake-shaped ice crystal flying from behind. The next thing he knew, he was trapped in a block of ice and flying in the air. His frozen eyes saw the snake of electricity hurtling towards him. He tried to close his eyes, but he couldn't. Just before his demise, it suddenly fizzed out and Bowser broke out of the icy prison. Ike had just smashed Lucas off into the horizon.

"You losers can only do one thing, can't you? Lose." Bowser snorted at his incredibly horrible joke as he landed. In front of Luigi. Luigi stammered before Jump Punching the overgrown Koopa right underneath the jaw, turning him into nothing more but a twinkle in the sky.

"And all the fighters are on their last life!" Master Hand commented. Lucas and Luigi both teamed up on Bowser as he jumped off the recovery platform. Ike struck from behind them, but he was fended off by Luigi's girly pawing attack.

Bowser was heavily bruised, and Ike was panting heavily. "Damn, you guys just won't give up, will you?"

"This place is too cramped to fight." Bowser began to take down the pillars, sending the house crashing down around them and Boos were cackling as they emerged from the structure. Lucas and Luigi stuttered. The Boos began to huddle and they turned into…

"Well, if it isn't Luigi."

King Boo was back, in all his glamour and paleness. He started floating towards them, wagging his giant tongue back and forth. The two timid brawlers screamed, trying to avoid the giant ghost. They got as far as possible and sighed in relief.

…before noticing that they were standing on nothing. As the two plummeted, they heard "Game Set!"

----

"Aw, come on, Luigi, it wasn't _that_ bad."

Luigi was… listless as his brother tried to console him. He felt like more of a loser than he already was. Just then, the audience outside began to cheer again. "Oh, gotta go, man. It's my brawl out there now. You gonna hold up fine?" Luigi managed to fake a smile. "Good. Gotta run!"

As Luigi sat there, shocked (but not surprised) over his loss, he realized that he wasn't the only one to suffer the humility. He walked out into the corridor and knocked on Lucas' door. There was no reply, but Luigi could hear the sobbing coming from inside.

"Lucas? Are you okay?" he asked as he opened the door. Lucas was sitting on his bed, tears dripping like a leaking faucet. He nodded. Luigi tried to comfort him. "Look, I understand we lost, but hey, someone's gotta lose, right?"

"We always lose."

"…touché."

Just then, Luigi felt something probe into his head. _Luigi, Lucas, I've heard of your loss._

"Mewtwo?" asked Luigi as said Pokémon fazed into the room. "What do you want?"

_I want to help you. Is that not what you desire? _Lucas and Luigi looked at each other.

"What do you think?" asked Lucas.

"I don't think it would hurt," replied Luigi. "What do we have to do?"

----

"Um, why are we in your room, Mewtwo?" asked Lucas.

_You wish to overcome your fears and gain respect, is that not correct?_ The two nodded. _Then you are in the right place._

"Does that mean that you're going to make us brave using your powers?" Somehow, Luigi felt that he had asked the wrong question, as Mewtwo seemed to bristle with rage.

_How are you to overcome your fears if you do not expose yourself to them? If I were to implant courage in you, it would have disastrous results. You would become overconfident._ Luigi said nothing. _Any more questions? No? Good. I want you to tell me when you are ready to face your worst fears._ Luigi and Lucas nodded. _Very well, then._ Mewtwo held out his paws, and put the both of them in front of the two's faces.

Luigi felt like the ground was melting from underneath him. The next thing he knew was that the dim lighting in the clone's room had totally vanished. There was nothing. "H-h-hello?" His words echoed. Nothing replied back. Eyes adjusting to the dark, the green plumber noticed that there was ground underneath him. Cobblestones. Odd, he thought. They looked familiar…

Something heavy dropped on Luigi's back and he squealed like a Marth fangirl. Flailing his arms, something long and thick ran across the back of his neck. He paused, terrified, feeling his heart beat twice as fast. After a while, he managed to grab the snake-like object in his hands. It was… a nozzle for a vacuum.

He turned his head around. It was the Poltergust 3000. But what was it doing here? Where the vacuum cleaner was, there were—

"GHOSTS!" Ghosts of many colours materialized out of nowhere. Their long tongues lolling out, their abnormally long arms stretched out towards Luigi. Luigi did the only thing he could do: suck up every single tormented soul in front of him.

The ghosts screamed as they were trapped in the vacuum cleaner. They weren't alone; Luigi was screaming his head off the entire time they were shrieking.

"They're finally all g-g-gone…" Luigi wiped his brow. What was Mewtwo thinking, making him fight ghosts?

"Are you sure, puny little man?" Luigi blanched. He recognized the voice.

"N-no…"

"Ah, but yes." A royal crown dropped from the sky and hovered a few feet from the ground. King Boo slowly began to materialize.

"I'll just have to seal you again!" cried Luigi.

"But you do. Only one problem." Out of the ground burst a coffin. It slowly creaked open, revealing a certain frightened Princess of Sarasaland.

"Daisy!"

"Luigi! Help m—" but the giant Boo ate Daisy before she managed to finish her sentence."

"You can't hurt me now, not after what happens to your precious little princess." King Boo began to… shrink? He shrunk into Daisy's body. His crown fell down, blocking her from Luigi's sight.

"So what now, little man?" The voice that came from the crown was Daisy's, but it sounded as if she had a really, _really_, bad cold. Luigi could only gasp in horror as what used to be Daisy walked out of the giant gold headpiece.

"Tsk, tsk. We're in a dilemma now, aren't we? You can't hurt this little girl, and you're totally helpless," said possessed Daisy. She reached into her dress.

She pulled out an axe.

----

"H-h-hello? Is there anyone here?"

Lucas, like Luigi, was trapped in impenetrable darkness. He could feel the ground beneath his feet, but he also heard something in the distance. Something like… marching. Focusing his powers, he concentrated his PK Fire into a small fireball, illuminating the cobblestones that he was standing on.

There were thousands of them. Thousands of men wearing pig masks. "N-no… not the Pig Army!" The troops continued to march forward, readying their weapons and aiming them at Lucas. Lucas hurriedly threw a PK Freeze at them. Some of the troops were frozen solid, but they continued to march. The closest ones began to fire laser beams at him. After brawling for a while, he managed to dodge every single one. He then charged up a PK Love, rendering all enemies homesick and badly damaged after a splendid light show.

"Splendid, Lucas, splendid!" The mechanical stomping of a giant metal spider brought Lucas to look at his mortal enemy.

"Porky! Why are you here?"

"Why, to play mind games with you, of course! Get it? You've got psychic powers? Mind games? BAH!" Behind Pokey was a giant silhouette of a Drago equipped with cyberkinetic parts. In its right claw was—

"Kumatora!"

"Yes, that's right! What are you going to do now, hmm?" asked Porky in that horrible high-pitched voice. "Not so tough now, are you? Men, take him!"

As Lucas heard the king shout out his next command, the scene began to warp.

----

"Luigi! What are you doing here? More importantly, what happened to you?" Luigi was covered in blood. Though Porky and Kumatora were still there, the rest of the Pig Army had disappeared.

"D-Daisy…" The possessed princess drew closer.

"So are you ready to die, little man?" She ran towards the two of them and swung down. Both of them dodged in time to see sparks emanating from the axe meeting the ground. The next thing Luigi knew was that he was dodging clouds of fire and lasers. Both Porky and the Drago had started their attack.

"Luigi, what are we going to do? We can't hurt them, can we?"

"No, we can't, Lucas. I guess there's no way but for us to die."

"I-I'm scared…"

Luigi, shivering from head to toe, prepared himself for the inevitable. He closed his eyes.

"No! You can't give up yet!"

Kumatora was shouting at Lucas, urging him not to throw in the towel yet. "You still have your PSI powers! Use what I taught you!"

"But you'll--"

"Don't mind me! Just do it!"

Lucas looked at Luigi, who was in awe. She, a captive in the hands of a giant reptile had more courage than that of the two of them.

"Let's do it." As Lucas finished saying that, there was a voice in his head.

_Lucas…_

"Mom?"

_Lucas, combine your powers with your friend…_

Suddenly, he understood what he had to do. "Luigi, give me your hands."

"OK…" Lucas held Luigi's hands in his, and began to concentrate. Luigi's power began pouring into him. It was terrible; the wave of envy that rushed over him was intense. Glowing with dark-green energy, he looked up towards the dark sky, threw his arms out, and shouted, "PK Starstorm!"

"NOOOO!!!!" screamed Boo-Daisy. Giant glowing meteors started falling from the sky. Where they hit, a zone of negativity formed. Two barely missed Boo-Daisy, but the negative zones engulfed her/it, causing her to faint and King Boo to write in pain before he disappeared. The Drago released its hold on Kumatora as one struck it in the eye. Keeling in pain, it fell over on Pokey.

"Auuuuggggh!"

As the barrage ended, their surroundings were filled with a bright light.

----

_Congratulations, Lucas and Luigi. You have overcome your fears._

They were back in Mewtwo's room. "Really?" asked Lucas. "I don't feel any different."

_You are already past the point of feeling something new. It is now part of you._ Lucas and Luigi grinned.

"Thanks! See you at dinner, Mewtwo!"

----

"Ha, look! It's the losers!" snorted Bowser. Popo, Toon Link, Sonic, and Ike also laughed. The others groaned and Peach was on the verge of killing someone. Lucas and Luigi looked at each quizzically, and grinned evilly.

The next thing everyone knew was that meteors bursting into emo zones filled the dining room and Master Hand was ranting about a limited budget with repairing the ceiling and therapy sessions.

* * *

**And so, two more fighters have changed for the better. Who will be next to get the "pimp me" treatment? Find out soon (1)!**

**(1): That really means at least two weeks.**


	9. A Roll of Toilet Paper for Two Asses

**And so, there is a new update.**** Sorry 'bout not updating for months!

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**

"Yeah, and then I managed to do a swift evasive maneuver and the enemy ended up going kaboom!"

It was one of those breakfasts; Falco Lombardi had begun his tirade into how brilliant he was, fighting off enemy pilots with his super awesome pro skills. As much as anyone would like him to stop, he brushed off every interruption with an "eh, what would ya know."

Today, it was going to be different. "…and then I flew headfirst into this barrage of lasers, ya know? It took my precision and wits to safely dodge all of them," he finished.

"So is this where it turns out to be a training simulator? Because I highly doubt a bird-brain like you can even pilot one of those lame ships you keep around." Falco leered at Wolf, who was already smirking.

"Shut up! Who's the one that always got beaten by me? Who's the one who kept on running away with their tail between their legs?"

"Last I recall, _you_ never beat anyone. In fact, the only one I consider worthy in your team is McCloud." Fox, five seats away, began to chow down very hurriedly.

"Well, what does he have that I don't?"

"Well, for one, he's not a pain in the ass that has to recount all of his 'victories.'" Falco had had it. Without warning, he lunged across the table, upending plates of toast and taking everyone by surprise, and tackled Wolf down to the ground.

"All right, you two, break it up!" Master Hand had floated in from the foyer and separated the two with two fingers. "I thought I told you people that there is to be no fighting outside of matches!" The two continued to glare at each other as they struggled to rip each other's eyes out. "Well, I regret I'll have to tell you this, but no matches for a week." Both Falco and Wolf's eyes widened.

"You can't be serious!"

"I can, and unless you want to just watch, you two will stay away from each other, capiche?" The two nodded reluctantly. "Good. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got bills to pay." He released the two. Wolf crossed his arms, busy glaring at the cocky bird before him.

As the giant floating hand left, Falco felt everyone's eyes on him. Embarrassed, he ran out of the dining hall and up his room. The moment he was out of earshot, everyone else applauded Wolf.

"That was great, dude!" Ike cheered.

"Pika pika pi!" shouted Pikachu.

"Good riddance," said Samus. Wolf raised an eyebrow and walked out quietly; he hated being at the center of the attention.

But hey, he thought to himself as he smirked. Imagine what'd happen if I told the pigeon what just happened.

----

After everyone had left to do their own things, Samus walked up to the computer terminal in the foyer dressed up in her suit, helmet tucked under one arm. She touched the "Today's Matches" button, which brought up the schedule.

"Looks like you're facing me before lunch," a voice said from behind her.

She turned around. "Yep. So, are you feeling up to it, Snake?" Snake involuntarily shrugged his shoulders. "Pretty much."

As she turned to set the terminal back to its home page, a streak of blue collided into her.

"Whoops, sorry 'bout that, Samus." Samus, now on her back, was staring at Sonic whose face said anything but sorry.

"You little twerp, you did that on purpose, didn't you?"

"Course not." He wagged his finger. "It's not my fault I couldn't stop in time because you're too slow." Samus glared at him, but he only paid attention to the screen. "Heh. You against Snake? That's gonna be a problem, isn't it?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, you two are an item, right?" Samus froze.

"Are you high?"

"Haha, that's very funny. Come on, admit it. You two make quite a lovey-dovey couple," he chuckled. Samus slowly regained her composure as she stood up and put her helmet back onto her head. Sonic kept laughing until he saw Samus' right arm morph into a cannon.

"OK, Samus, maybe I went a little too far, but—" he never got to finish his sentence as a giant beam of energy swallowed him whole and sent him blasting away into the nearby forest, leaving a giant gaping hole in the wall.

"I TOLD YOU PEOPLE, NO FIGHTING OUT OF MA—oh." Master Hand stopped short as he saw who the perpetrator was. "Samus, could you please tell me why there's a hole the size of a semi in the wall?"

"Oh, Sonic did it. He was being an asshole."

"Oh. I never liked that hedgehog anyways. You sure he'll find his way back?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Unfortunately," she added under her breath. "Well, I have to get ready for the match." She walked towards the stadium, leaving Master Hand to brood on "heavy expenses."

----

"And they're off!" It was the pre-lunch brawl, and Samus and Snake were battling each other, exchanging grenades and energy blasts. It was a three-stock match. Snake had already lost one and Samus was about to lose her first. Snake rolled out of the way from Samus' grapple as he drew his Nikita Launcher, shooting a missile towards the armoured woman.

"Heh, they still got nothing on me, though!" said Falco. Fox groaned.

"Falco, can't you let it go?" he asked.

"Please. I mean, when I fought against Marth…"

At this point, everyone was trying their best not to plan Falco for dinner. Link took a sudden interest on his sword. Peach was busy wondering what fresh roasted chicken would taste like.

"Well, I'm sure everyone remembered how you well you worked your way out of his attacks." The next thing everyone knew was a blur of cobalt-blue and grey struggling on the bleachers.

"Guys, can't you two stop fighting at least for an hour?" Fox asked while holding two apart at arm's length. The two leered at Fox. "Or you could bash each other's brains out." And so the two resumed pummeling each other.

"Falco's right, though. I mean, look at those two! They're not even putting any heart into it!" cried Sonic.

"Alright, before you say anything else, it better not be 'they're too slow!'" said Meta Knight.

"How did you know that?" Everyone groaned. "Anyways, besides being too slow, they're not putting heart in it! I mean, Snake is constantly guarding himself. How is he supposed to win if all he's gonna do is take it like a man?"

Ike, who was right behind Sonic, snapped and punched Sonic in the face. Before one could say "Mr. Saturn," everyone went ballistic and Sonic became the new Mr. Sandbag.

"Guys! Stop it!" The assault continued. It went until the announcer declared Samus the winner, but of course, everyone was busy releasing their pent-up rage on the hedgehog, so it didn't really matter.

----

Consuming their food in silence, everyone watched, amused, at how Falco and Sonic were attempting to eat through the immense amount of bandages and gauze covering their body. "What's the matter, bird? Aren't you just starving???" said Wolf (who was sporting a few bruises, though nothing serious), earning a glare from Falco.

"All you guys are gonna get it!" yelled Sonic, "Just you guys wait till I get better!" No one listened to him. There was nothing but the clinks of silverware on china plates. Sonic tried to say more, but ended up getting a mouthful of jalapenos courtesy to Samus. She wasn't over the stupid comment that he made and watched as his eyes water.

After everyone went their separate ways as the dishes were being taken back into the kitchen to be washed, Falco stopped Fox, who was on the way to the training room. "Hey Fox, you know people better than I do."

Fox glanced suspiciously at Falco. "I do?"

"Well," Falco continued, "it's just no one ever pays attention to me. I mean, what the hell? You know what's going on?" Fox grimaced. It was one of those "damned if you do, damned if you don't" moments. If he didn't say anything, his co-pilot would keep bugging him until judgment day. If, on the other hand, he did tell him, all hell would break loose. Fox rubbed his temples. I'm not going to get any sleep if he keeps doing this, he thought. Might as well break it to him.

"Didn't Wolf tell you?"

"Well, obviously, I didn't hear," said Falco.

"Well, how do I put it this way..." Falco started tapping his foot impatiently. "How do I say this nicely..."

"Fox, just say it."

Fox sighed. "You're an asshole." A few seconds passed in silence. And then--

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?" A nearby Olimar fell backwards and crushed two of his Pikmin soldiers. He cried a river of tears which left him choking on salty water.

"I'm just saying, well, you're really full of yourself." Falco began to fume. "I've talked to the others, and they really couldn't give a damn about what you did in the past," Fox continued. "And as for Sonic, well, he's you in a nutshell. And crazier." The bird said nothing. He stomped away, knocking anything in his path. Fox watched as he bowled over a cleaning R.O.B.

"Better go tell the others that there's a bomb in the house," Fox sighed.

As Falco reached the second floor hallway, he saw a badly bruised Sonic making his way down to his room. Falco blocked his path. "Dude, why aren't you going down to the infirmary?"

"I'm man enough to take it, dumbass. What do you think?" the hedgehog spat, pushing Falco out of the way. Unnerved, Falco grabbed Sonic by the scruff.

"Don't try doing that again, pal. Listen, I know you're in the same predicament as I am."

Sonic raised an eyebrow. "And what d'ya mean by that?"

"I'm talking about the fact that everyone is calling us assholes. Duh." Sonic continued to look bemused at Falco.

"And...?"

"Think about it. If I want to get more attention, I've got to be less of an asshole. Thought you might want to join in, but since you're so convinced that you can take it..."

"Well, I never said that I wasn't going to accept your offer," Sonic flustered. "So, what's your idea?"

"Well, we've gotta learn from a pro, like..."

----

"No. Absolutely not."

Falco's brilliant plan was simple: ask Meta Knight. Of course, he didn't take it so well. "I have better things to do than to teach you two the formalities of the society we live in. Why don't you go ask Marth? He is a prince."

"Yeah, but he's becoming more like one of us now, ya know? He's gonna be a source of bad advice."

"Any advice you take _is_ good advice. Remember that incident with Olimar and the vegan pie?"

"T-t-that was an accident," Falco stuttered. "I'm sure he still doesn't hate me for it."

"Right. Well, my answer is still no." Meta Knight flourished his cape and began to walk away until Sonic blocked his path. "Get out of my way or none of us will hear 'You're too slow!' ever again." Sonic was about to pummel the Star Warrior until he realized what he just said. "Crap." Meta Knight obviously noticed too.

"Fine, what do you want to know?"

----

Meta Knight's room was dimly lit. There were tomes of many sizes stacked on the bookshelves. The curtains were drawn.

"Alright, you two. There are four things that I think you both need to work on the most. The first is on giving compliments."

"Compliments? What are compliments?" both Sonic and Falco asked. Meta Knight sighed.

"Compliments... well, you know when someone says something good about you, like when you win a match?" They both nodded. "Well, that's one type of compliment. What you two need to work on is giving and taking them like gentlemen."

"What do you mean?" asked Sonic.

"Remember the times when people congratulated you on matches?"

"Oh, I remember," said Falco, "but they stopped all of a sudden."

"That's because you were too arrogant and telling them 'Damn straight!'" Falco growled. "Anyways," Meta Knight continued, "I want you to give each other compliments and accept them politely." The two of them looked confused.

"How do we do that?" Meta Knight felt like running into a wall if it weren't for breaking his mask.

"Just say something nice to each other."

"Ok. You're pretty good-looking," said Sonic. Falco and Meta Knight gulped.

"Well, it doesn't have to be THAT nice."

--

"All right, next is your sympathy test." They had made some progress with the compliments. "If Peach fell down two flights of stairs, what would you say?" As he finished, both Sonic and Falco laughed. "Not the response I was hoping for." Meta Knight took out his sheathed Galaxia and whacked both of them on the head. "I'm going to ask you again. What would you say?"

"I'm sorry to hear that," Falco whimpered. Meta Knight replaced Galaxia at his side. He glared at Sonic, who hurriedly uttered the same thing.

"Good choice of words, but I don't believe you. Let's try that again." Galaxia was out again.

--

By the time they had decided to finish the sympathy test, both Falco and Sonic were sporting bruises everywhere on their bodies.

"Next is asking for things nicely. If you wanted to get an extra glass of water, you would say..." Falco opened his beak, but nothing came out.

"I have absolutely no idea what I'm supposed to say."

"Is the word 'please' in either of your vocabularies?" Meta Knight asked. Both of them shook their heads. "Fine. Say it with me. Please," he pronounced slowly. As the two of them tried saying that one word. A strangled gurgle came from out of their mouths, similar to that of an unnamed demonic tongue. The window in the room shattered, sending hundreds of shards raining down on an unsuspecting R.O.B., which promptly shut down after decoding the raspy noises emanating from above.

"We obviously need more practice."

--

"Alright, I think this is by far your biggest test." Meta Knight turned towards his two apprentices, who began to shake in fear. The afternoon sun hang lazily in the sky, gradually making its way towards the horizon. "The goal of this test is… to be humble. No arrogance whatsoever." Meta Knight marched in front of the two. Suddenly, without warning, Meta Knight said, "You suck in matches," to Falco.

He was about to burst, but Falco kept it in. He watched as Meta Knight say "You need to get off of the drugs" to Sonic, who like Falco, was enduring the harsh remark. Meta Knight continued to assail the both of them with insults that would give even a sailor a heart attack. It went for what seemed like hours.

"Well, I'm not sure exactly how much progress you've made," the knight said to the both of them. The sun was a quarter of the way into the mountains and the sky had turned an amber-orange. "We'll have to stop here. Dinner is in fifteen minutes and I don't want to be late."

----

There was a lot more talk at dinner compared to lunch. Although Falco and Sonic were seated amongst the conversations, no one paid any attention to them. In doing so, however, nobody noticed that Falco and Sonic didn't explode like usual.

Falco leaned over to Ike, and asked, "Hey, Ike, could you please pass the salt?"

"Sure, whatever." As Ike handed the shaker over to Falco, he froze. "What the hell did you just say?"

Falco cleared his throat. "Hey, Ike, could you please pass the salt?" he repeated just a teensy bit louder. A sudden hush befell everyone. Marth stabbed his steak, missing completely. "Agh! My hand!" cried Pit.

Peach was put off by this awkward silence. "Um, could anyone help me look for my hair brush after dinner? I seem to have misplaced it."

"I'm sorry to hear that, princess. Would it be OK if I went and helped you look for it? We'd be finished in no time." Everyone gasped.

"W-wow, you guys sure have changed. You two are so kind!" Peach uttered.

Falco smiled. "Don't mind it." Luigi, three seats away from Peach, clutched his chest and fell to the floor. Everyone gave a light smattering of applause. However, there was one person who was not impressed.

"Is this a way of getting back at us, you douchebag?" growled Wolf.

"No, it isn't, but I'd prefer if you stopped calling me that." Wolf was confounded at what Falco just said.

"Well—I—Argh!" Wolf stood up and stomped away. Marth broke the silence.

"Holy shit."

* * *

**And so, I have finished chapter 9 of Corrections Policy! Like I said, sorry for the long hiatus. Schoolwork has been piling on like crazy! See you soon, guys!**


	10. Ike Learns and Peach Breaks Down

**Well, after what appears to be months, there's an update! *cheers***

**Sorry for the long hiatus, but** **feel free to read my profile and see what's up.

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**

"_Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned_

_Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned."_

_-William Congreve_

Ike Greil was a mercenary. He knew how to fight, and he knew how to lead a battalion of soldiers into army. He was a master of tactics. Domestic duties, however, were another issue. Either his sister, Myst, or another woman would be cooking food, sweeping the floor, or doing some other household chore. All he had to do was make sure that his troops survived.

So it came to no surprise that his room was untidy. There was a pile of battle gear slumped in front of the closet, his bed unkempt, and papers littered his desk, a few of them smudged with jelly. The warrior in question right now slept on the thing that he called a bed, and had pleasant dreams of pigging out on food when a sudden knock at the door woke him up.

"Hey, Ike, you got a second?" Ike got up, groaning and before he got his butt out of bed, the door swung open and Marth walked in, walking pompously until he slipped on a frayed cotton shirt and fell right onto the floor and breaking his nose. Ike snickered.

"You all right there, Marth?" Marth glared at him. If he was still same ol' Marth, he would've torn apart Ike's body into two bloody halves, but he resisted the urge.

"Yes, Ike, I'm fine that now my nose is dislocated. Yippee." Marth hoped that Ike would still have a shred of decency and gather up the courage to apologize for keeping his room a pigsty and a danger to anyone who walks in.

"Great," said Ike. "See you at breakfast."

----

Today Ike had French toast served with an egg sunny-side up and three thin strips of bacon. Without a second thought, he placed the bacon strips onto the bread, shoved it into his mouth, and proceeded to jam the egg in as well sans utensils.

"Um, Ike?" He looked to his left, and saw Zelda looking at him, lips taut.

"Hey, Zelda. What's up?"

"You know, there's a reason why they invented the fork and knife."

"Your point?" asked Ike as he wiped his mouth with his arm.

"Ike, you do realize that that is impolite and rude."

Ike stared blankly at her. "And?" Without giving Zelda anytime to answer, he got up from his seat and walked away, leaving Zelda fuming with rage. As far as Ike was concerned, the whole manners thing was beneath him. It did not contribute to being better at combat, nor did it heighten his survival skills.

He didn't think much about it, because there was a bigger problem at hand: his bladder. Drinking five glasses of orange juice did wonders on the kidneys, so Ike walked speedily towards the nearest bathroom. It was a small room with only one toilet and sink, unlike the bigger restrooms on the other side of the corridor. The brass doorknob did not turn in his hand. It was locked. Muttering angrily, he kicked the door down, and was met with a shrill scream.

Peach was just about to use it when Ike interrupted her. She turned red from embarrassment before transitioning into rage. She hastily backed into a corner. "Ike! You don't just barge in on someone like this!"

"Whine all you want, princess, but I gotta go _now_." Ike had just set foot into the room when Peach charged towards him, wielding a 8-iron. She swung that club with so much force that it created a deep impression of Ike on the wall across.

"Let that be a lesson as to why you should knock before you enter," she snarled.

----

Zelda passed by the terminal in the foyer and curiosity got the best of her. Wondering who was going to be fighting today, she pressed "Today's Matches." She was in the first match of the day. 1 vs. 1, 3 stock, no items, and on Battlefield. She paused when she saw who her opponent.

"Ike?" she said under her breath. She was in no mood to brawl against him, not after what happened this morning. She tugged on her left glove a couple of times. There was no use in asking Master Hand to reconsider. The last time anyone did that was Bowser, and he was stuck in the simulation machine for ten hours on the most brutal setting and had to be institutionalized by Dr. Mario for two days.

As long as it was over quick, Zelda would be fine with it.

Thirty minutes later, she leaned back to avoid a swipe from Ike's Ragnell. She was down to her last stock while Ike still had all three. She conjured an orb of Din's Fire and set it off on Ike's face, causing him to recoil in pain and to be temporarily blinded. Zelda swiped him five times with her glove, causing him to stagger closer and closer to the edge.

As she was about to go in for the KO, Ike suddenly sidestepped and whipped Zelda with the flat of his blade, causing her to go careening off the stage. As she flew off into the horizon, she could hear the announcer declaring "GAME!"

After the match, Zelda ran into a few of her fellow fighters, who congratulated her in the fight, regardless of the fact that she lost. As she thanked Mario for his kind words, she caught a glimpse of Ike sauntering away. No matter, she thought.

Zelda walked towards the bathroom with a towel draped over her arm. What she didn't expect, however, was that someone was already in there. "Peach? I thought you were downstairs, checking up on the food you've told the chefs to make today," she said as she disrobed.

The Mushroom Kingdom princess, already in a tub, said, "I was, but then I decided to come up here and take a break after that horrible incident today." She sank deeper into the hot water as Zelda joined her.

"Horrible incident? What do you mean?" The warmth of the water made Zelda's tense muscles relax. She was about to slip into her own world until Peach replied.

"The small bedroom on the corner of the first floor hallway? He broke down the door as I was going to use it. He's an enemy to all women."

Zelda looked at her incredulously. "Now, Peach, I'm sure you're overreacting."

"Overreacting?! Peach screamed. "I am talking about the brute who has no social etiquette, no manners at the table, and I'm overreacting?! Who are you talking about?!" Zelda cringed. She had hit a nerve, and she was going to have to endure Peach's screaming for five more hours, unless she did something, and fast.

"All right, all right, you win. You're not overreacting. But what can we do? He doesn't strike me as the type of man to change." Peach gave her a sinister smile.

"Oh, he will change, all right. If he knows what's good for him."

----

"Peach, this is crazy! If anyone catches us doing this, we're going to be sent up to Master Hand, and you know what kind of punishment he'll give us for this!" The two princesses were right outside Ike's bedside window, Zelda levitating herself with her magic and Peach using her parasol, peeking through that narrow opening through the drapes.

"But no one is going to catch us doing this," said Peach, with a crazed look in her eye. Zelda was getting more disturbed by the second with Peach's bipolarity. It seemed to have gotten worse after Kirby ate her muffins that she had spent days on, getting every last sprinkle into place, only to have that gluttonous pink behemoth of terror destroy her art in a matter of seconds (it didn't help that Kirby told Peach that it was delicious, either).

"Wait!" whispered Peach. "What's Ike doing?" Ike had disappeared from view. She jostled for a better look.

"Peach, don't!" And with Zelda's magic disturbed, she began to plummet three stories down, but not before grabbing Peach. They both screamed as they fell through the air. Thankfully, they fell slowly as Peach's parasol acted like a parachute.

"My parasol!" Peach cried as she inspected in for damage. There were a few rips and tears in the fabric. She began to mutter incoherently, though Zelda did hear a few words here and there, like "Ike," "revenge," and "stew." Zelda wisely bid Peach goodnight

Ike awoke in a strange room. It was still dark out, so he was probably dragged out of his room just as he fell asleep. It seemed more like a cell, as there were cold stone walls surrounding him and a barred window and gate as well. Ragnell was missing, he realized. He tried bum rushing the door down, but it was no use. He got a few marks on the side of his body for trying, though.

"Where am I?!" he shouted. Suddenly a high-pitched cackle resounded around him as a cloaked figure came into view. The figure removed the mantle and Ike raised an eyebrow. "Peach?"

It was the princess alright, but her eyes were glazed with insanity. "Yes, Ike? You probably don't understand why you're here, do you. Well, I'm here to teach you a little lesson…"

----

The next day, at breakfast, the fighters all looked in shock as Ike followed every one of Peach's commands with a "Yes, Your Highness." Zelda was happy that Ike had developed some manners, but couldn't help being a little creeped out at Ike's zombielike state.

Everyone avoided Peach for the next three weeks.

* * *

**So here we go, rekindling the dead ashes before they go out again. Hope you guys liked this one!**** Toodles!**


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